Notes.

197 cards
Chronology

The mistake

He was 15 when he started leeching onto me and teasing me, flirting and saying things in public trying to catch my attention. It worked.

I said it out loud before anything happened.

Are you sure it is okay for me to date you knowing I am 18 and the age gap is 3 years? Everyone would judge.

And the answer I got:

Don’t worry I am turning 16 this year.

I was judging it myself, from the very beginning.

I have never supported the idea of dating someone younger and I never will. Even a year can be a big difference between the mentality of two people.

Which is exactly why the relationship was unstable. I was the mature one the entire time, and that never changed once in three years.

Turning 16 was the whole argument. Not that the gap did not matter, not that he had thought about it. A number moving one closer.

Worth keeping straight who raised the question and who did not. He pursued, I objected, and he answered with that. I raised it against my own interest and then let myself be talked past it. That is the mistake, and it is mine.

Mid March 2023
Chronology
One month after “The mistake”

The nudes that were not his

The first time I had actual evidence instead of a feeling, one month into it.

He once exchanged nudes with me. They were not his.

Four things gave it away, and any one of them would have been enough.

The reverse search found the source. The bitrate was so bad that no camera takes photos like that, and the resolution said the same. The filenames carried a phone brand instead of something like IMG-102841082, which is what a real camera roll looks like. And they were screenshots of videos, not photos.

One video was someone’s skirt being peeked at by a creep while she walked up the stairs. That already tells you the kind of person he is, to go looking for that instead of normal images.

The other was a Chilean girl streaming back in 2011. The video is so old that the girl in it is probably 34 by now, she was about 18 in those streams. She spoke Spanish, which is the other funny reason I knew the nudes were not his. I literally speak Spanish. I know what Spanish sounds like. He does not.

I did not tell him. I told his “brother”.

Neil acted like someone had stolen his video, because he was pretending to be a girl and now the nudes that were not his had been caught. Then he said it was his ex who leaked them.

I brushed it off with something like “oh, she might just be shy.. whatever”. I had not sent anything from my side. Not yet.

The worst part is that I knew he was lying and he still tried to brush it off.

Telling the brother instead of him was not an accident. The brother was him, so it went to the same person either way, and saying it sideways meant I got to watch what he did with it rather than argue about whether I was overreacting.

This is the cleanest example of the thing he could never answer. Not a suspicion, not a mood. A source, a bitrate, a filename and a language. He met all four with a story about an ex.

One month in, and I already had proof he was not who he said he was. Everything else in this deck comes after. I stayed two more years, which is not the same as being fooled.

April 2023
Chronology
An investigation — names kept as they were

The admin

An investigation, not a story I was part of. It cost me the first person who ever supported what I was doing.

Dusty, the US guy with money and a 3090. He was an admin in the server, my first ever supporter and biggest donator.

He was with this girl, he knew her since she was like 12. They started dating when she turned 15, and he was already 19 or so, video calls and stuff, the usual.

But from earlier, 13 and all, this guy Nyxiality and Dusty would harass her. Nyx leaked photos of her naked.. basically CP and bullying her, and not just the two, because it was a server made by those two guys and others. She was already assaulted irl, so this was coal to the fire.

At 17 she hit a breaking point and called him out, exposed him in the server, and a whole investigation was done from our side. A shit ton of messages and chats that at the time made me want to throw up.

Funnily enough, when Dusty was banned, they got back together. She came to me crying wanting me to invite him again, and offered me things to do it.

Of course Dusty never got back. She was 17 and I was 21.

What I told her:

While it is nice that you worry about the emotional stability of his

I can't undo what has happened, it is not my nor his fault that it started

bringing him back into the server wouldn't solve anything

his name is already tainted and resentment exists

imagine being in a place where you know everyone hates you

The reason recorded on the ban:

Countless accusations of pedophilia, grooming, concerns of harmful behavior, abuse, threatening to harm himself in order to get what he wants.

In a way I tried to teach her consequence, because it seems it wasn't the first time she exposed him to a community, she has done it twice.. so the history was already more bizarre. I have more details about her but I rather keep it as is.

She was already in a bad spot and both of them were at fault for what they've done. One should've faced criminal charges, but considering the toxic traits she'd probably drop them to have him back.

Early March 2024
Chronology

Sorry for asking

I am sorry for making you feel pressed asking for selfies and stuff, it just feels like the only thing I could ask for considering the things you don’t want to do.

The first entry in the channel, and it is an apology for wanting proof. Every other request had already been closed off, so a photo was the last one left, and I was apologizing for that too.

There were no photos because there was no her. At the time I read the refusal as anxiety and filed the asking as my fault.

May 2024
Chronology

What I was told to be

at the beginning I was told I wasn’t supportive, and I tried to be supportive

I was told I was too needy, and I tried not being as needy

I was told I was too pessimistic, but everything happening just makes it worse

Three identities assigned and three accepted, written out plainly without noticing what the list was.

Each correction moved me further from reacting normally to being starved of contact. That was the function. By the end of the year I would be describing myself in his words without needing him to say them.

July 2024
Chronology

No one tells me I am doing good

no one tells me I am doing good

no one tells me they are proud of me

no one acknowledges that I am trying to do my best everytime

I am needy, needy for attention, because I never had it in my life

I cried when I saw all my earnings, but I had no one else around me

I just want to be held and be told that I’ve done great, that it was worth it

Nineteen, paying the bills, rent and food for my family, and nobody to say it counted.

This is the actual lever and it is worth being precise about it. He did not invent this need, it was already there and it was real. What he did was stand in front of it and make himself the only source, which is why the withholding worked as well as it did.

The crying about the earnings was a recall, not something that happened that August. It was January 2024, and it is in Memories as Seven thousand. By the time I wrote this I had already acted on it and moved to Chile. I was reaching back for the clearest example of a feeling that had not gone away.

August 2024
Chronology

The confession

I feel that I am a bad boyfriend

for pushing you to do things for me

feel that I am an abusive boyfriend

even tho I don’t mean to harm or hurt your feelings

I end up doing it unintentionally

The deceived party filing a confession. What I was confessing to was asking my girlfriend to talk to me.

Reading it now the shape is obvious. When one side of a relationship is fabricated, every ordinary need becomes evidence against the person who has it, because the other side can never be at fault for failing to provide something they do not have.

August 2024
Chronology

The only reason

The only reason why I keep myself sane from suicidal thoughts is that I hope that there’s something better for my future, and ending it all here wouldn’t make that happen.

Written in the middle of an ordinary week, between complaints about not getting replies.

I keep this one in because the year gets summarized as frustration and it was not only that. There was a floor under it and this is where it shows. The thing holding me up was the assumption that the future was worth staying for, which turned out to be correct.

August 2024
Chronology

A creep stalker

I want to marry you, live with you. I know you are a great girl, loyal, responsible and respectful.

I just keep feeling like a creep stalker, and have all these thoughts telling me that I am not enough, or telling me things that are not true, I hate it.

The thoughts telling me things that were not true were the accurate ones.

This is the intrusive thoughts framing working exactly as intended. My suspicions were being renamed as symptoms, and I had accepted the naming well enough to apologize for having them. Loyal, responsible and respectful were three things she was not.

August 2024
Chronology

I know your entire routine

I always wait, stay up so late at night, waiting for you to reply, I know what you must be doing, and don’t want to bother you

It is sad.. I know your entire routine, because I want to talk with you, and wait and wait knowing what you must be doing

Knowing the routine was not obsession. It was the only verification available to me about a person who never provided any other kind.

Seven months later that same tracking is what caught him. At the time I filed it as something shameful.

August 2024
Chronology

I am not stupid

I hate lies, If you promise something you gotta follow your word

I’m not stupid, I know when you go online, when you don’t go to sleep, when you do something behind my back and don’t talk back. It’s infuriating...

I know you’ve been with Magie, and hearing about her just makes me feel bad at this point.. in the past it was about helping her or that she’s nice.. Now its all oh she’s so cute, she has this body, her boobs so squishy, I ate her out.. I don’t feel well hearing that...

He was describing sex with Magie to me directly. I objected, and the objection was processed as jealousy, which is to say as my defect rather than his conduct.

Every factual claim in this entry is correct. That is the part worth keeping. I was not imagining the pattern, I was reporting it accurately to the one person guaranteed to tell me I was wrong.

September 2024
Chronology

I am nineteen

I’m just.. stressed, I am just 19 and I am carrying not only the struggles of my self insecurities, but also have to work to pay bills, rent and food for my family

My relationship slowly going downhill as I just notice her mental health slowly worsening, I can’t do anything to help her

I want physical interaction, like hugs and kisses, things I’ve never tried and I am hopeless to find someone who can accept me for who I am and not use me.

The last line is the one that lands now. I was worried about being used, by someone who was using me, and I wrote it as a fear about the future rather than a description of the present.

Her worsening mental health was the permanent explanation for everything withheld. It could not improve, because improving would have required there to be a person.

September 2024
Chronology

Dense grammar

I don’t really want to sound overwhelming, I just hide my actual thoughts behind this dense grammar that always makes me sound angry or mad.

I really don’t know how to describe what I feel, and it scares me everytime.

By this point I was editing my own sentences before sending them, worried that being clear would read as an attack.

This is the part of the year that was hardest to see from inside it. Not the waiting, the self editing. I was managing the tone of accurate statements so they would be permitted.

September 2024
Chronology

I am a fucking stalker

yeah I am a pain in the ass, yes I know everything you do. I am a fucking stalker.

am I extremely devoted? yes, because I do care about you.

do YOU care about me? you don’t even recognize my patterns and the only thing you do is guess what I am going through, you never stopped to ask me WHY I feel that way.

The worst sentence in the whole record, and worth marking as such.

My perception is the thing I trust most about myself. It is what broke the case, and later it is what got Lachlan out in under a month. Here it is turned against itself and filing a self report in his vocabulary. That is what a year of being told your accuracy is a symptom does.

October 2024
Chronology

The goodbye I did not send

I love you Talia, you gave me the best year of my life, and I’ll always be grateful for the good things you did for me

I tried to be the best version of me for you, and we had a very long history together.

you earned a place in my heart since that March 16th, and I’ll never regret being your boyfriend.

I know that if I stay longer, it’ll only lead to more pain and struggles, I don’t want to hurt you anymore

I might not be the best boyfriend, or the most supportive, but I tried my best. Thank you Talia, for everything

A complete goodbye, written out and not acted on. Six months before the real one.

The tone is the thing to notice. No accusations, grateful, taking the blame on the way out. When I finally did leave in April it read nothing like this, because by then I had evidence instead of only feelings.

October 2024
Chronology

The list

Let’s list all the issues I have :3

One Sideness: to constantly be the one giving from my side

Rejection: to want and be denied desires as a partner

Lack of Communication: having to wait minutes to hours just to get a response

Lack of attention: being unable to interact due to the lack of attention

Lack of empathy: showing the soft and fragile side of mine only to meet with disheartening responses

Constant dissapointment: to have hope for good changes but only get dissapointing answers

Pessimism, Denying concerns, Own shoes

Unable to share: can’t get photos, videos, audios.. even messages from your partner due to various reasons

Ten failure modes, each one defined, written in a single sitting with a smiley at the top.

Every item on this list is a withholding. Not cruelty, not conflict. Cannot be verified, cannot be reached, cannot be shared with. Six months before I had any evidence at all I had written an accurate structural description of a catfish, and did not have the word for it yet.

The investigator was already fully built here. He was only missing one piece of information.

October 2024
Chronology

The birthdays

I never had birthday parties, not even for my 18yo birthday.. I never could enjoy a good time with friends or people came to celebrate with me

I grew up feeling excited to wait for my birthday and ended up learning to expect nothing from it.. just a deception after deception.. I never had a year where my birthday was meaningful

Written a week after the goodbye I did not send.

Same wound as the earnings and the nobody telling me I did good. Learning to expect nothing is a skill you build when nothing is what keeps arriving, and it is exactly the skill that makes someone easy to underfeed for three years without them leaving.

October 2024
Chronology

Decide yourself

I can’t really.. talk about sexual stuff, it’s only when she wants to talk about it..

If I try to mention it she ruins it and shifts it into lesbian stuff..

Just.. decide yourself, do you like girls or boys?

The reason I don’t get excited with sexual stuff is because I can’t even talk about it freely anymore.. and it makes me so mad

Fourteen months before the reveal, this is the exact inconsistency that eventually resolved the whole thing, and I wrote it down as sexual frustration.

It went into the Talia list later as one of the plot holes. Here it is in its first form, correct and unrecognized, because I had no framework that would let the answer be what it actually was.

January 2025
Chronology

I am not me anymore

Because I am not me anymore, trying to act like someone else to fit in.. suppressing myself, my emotions

One line, written at two in the morning, and the most accurate sentence of the whole year.

I have said since that I never lost myself, and I stand by it. My judgment and my standards came out the other side intact. But this is the closest it came, and the record should show that.

January 2025
Chronology
Also filed under Memories

The drawing

A drawing of a character with horns and wings, seated, in purple tones.

A drawing I made for someone who I trusted and wasn't who I thought she was.

I hold this drawing dearly despite the circumstances because I made it with a purpose. I put love, my time and effort into drawing this in a moment where I was most vulnerable in.

So.. whoever taints it, doesn't deserve to keep it.

February 2025
Chronology

The window

I feel like a window that was shattered, fixed, shattered again.. fixed.. over and over and now it feels like it's all crumbles and pieces all over the place.. it takes longer to fix it every time.

Late February 2025

Written three weeks before the reveal, and it is the only thing from that February that is not happy.

The same month has me planning a house, a wife, dogs and cats, and saying I do not regret anything. Both were true at once. The part of me that kept count of how many times this had already broken was still running underneath, and it turned out to be the accurate one.

Chronology

What was right for me

It's true... I focused too much on what was right for others but never stopped to think what was right for me.

I keep telling myself that.. I feel right making others happy.

I also wanna be happy, I wanna do things with people, I feel alone a lot of times and I keep distracting myself with other things to not think about it.

I am consuming myself.

Hopefully I am useful, but I don't wanna be used either.

I am not a puppet, I am not a toy.

Every time I wanna do something, or I talk about what I like.. others are not interested in it.

I stopped liking online games, I don't feel happy doing that anymore.

I feel boring and alone because of this.

I wish I had someone that liked the same things as me and I could play with.

My gf is far too different from me, she's almost opposite of me.. she doesn't like anything that I like.

And I couldn't find anything that we could both like and talk about, I feel.. alone.

Do I want to separate from her? not at all, is not in my plans.

I talked about a lot of things.. it made me feel the bitter taste in my tongue bleh.

Early March 2025

The clearest thing I wrote before I knew anything, and it is entirely about absence.

She does not like what I like, we have nothing to share, I am alone while being in a relationship. I read all of that as incompatibility. It was not incompatibility, it was that there was no one there to be compatible with.

The last line is the giveaway. Do I want to separate from her, not at all, is not in my plans. Three weeks before I found out, still arguing myself into staying.

Chronology
Two weeks after “What was right for me”

I was right

This hits harder when you consider all the things I guessed before they even were hinted.

My worries don't come from a place of overreacting.. they come from actual concern.

And.. I was right..

It wasn't what I expected, it wasn't what I wanted.

I don't want others to decide for me.. it's frustrating.

Simulating a future on this path....

Long term resentment, weakened trust, harder to communicate openly, more doubts.

Simulating the alternative path.

Hard decision, waste of invested time, long term relief, trust issues and trauma.

What did this cause on me?

I felt relief, betrayal.. disappointment, all at the same time.

I felt that everything I've done for this person was all a lie.

This.. persona Talia was not who I thought it was, all these doubts...

Is it even worth it to continue knowing how much they held back from me?

What other lie is there that I don't know of?

I don't want anyone to decide for me on this, is not easy..

Because no one thinks of how I feel about all of this.

No one considers that this was a revelation that would hurt me more than I would get mad.

Late March 2025

March 15th, in real time, hours after he told me. This is the record of the moment it broke.

What I notice reading it back is that I ran both futures immediately. Long term resentment on one path, long term relief on the other, written while I was in the worst of it. That is the investigator switching on before the grief had finished.

And the phrase this persona Talia was not who I thought it was is exactly right. Not she lied to me, not he is a man. A persona. I had the correct word for it within hours.

Chronology

Never the right time

Why is it that it is never the right time for me to express myself?

Everytime I'm just left here, without an actual solution.

I hate it.

I hate myself for so many things.

Why do I even bother being nice.

I tried taking the blame, getting blamed for it, did it solve anything? It only fed the worse.

I got told a lot of things that still linger.

I'm toxic, I'm a creep, a piece of shit that deserves all the bad things that happen to me... It's all I get from so many things I've kept in my mind.

April 2025

Two weeks after the reveal, and this is the low point of the entire archive.

Toxic, creep, a piece of shit that deserves all the bad things that happen to me. Those are not my words about myself, they are his words about me, repeated back until I could not tell the difference. He was still calling me the problem after being caught.

It is worth seeing what stage this is. I already knew. Knowing did not stop the frame from running.

Chronology
Follows “Never the right time”

What am I supposed to do?

What am I supposed to do?

Bottling my feelings is bad.

I try to control my feelings to not affect me, but you still mention it.

Am I trying to work on my feelings? yes.. I took my space before I talked with you and I didn't mention the problem until I felt it wouldn't cause trouble.

And if I do explain why I feel bad, no matter how carefully I phrase it, you end up thinking I'm blaming you or making it your fault.

Why do you think that I don't see your progress or that you do things right?

The fact that you are actually making changes in your behavior and you ask me for help is something I get happy and feel proud of...

It might just be how I phrase things..

April 2025

Still trying to solve it, weeks after learning the whole thing was false.

The tell is how careful it is. I am acknowledging his progress, taking responsibility for my phrasing, considering that the fault might be in how I say things. Three years of being told my clarity was an attack, and I was still managing my tone toward someone who had catfished me.

This is the last card where I am trying to fix it. Everything after this is an exit.

Chronology

It's my time to go

Do you know what your problem is?..

You can't see past yourself, you are narcissistic.

You brought the worst part of me and then complained that you didn't like it..

I've dealt with you for over 3 years, I kept up with your mental issues and even to this day I made sure I didn't make it hard for you..

But you can't listen at anything without breaking and trying to be right, even when apologizing you never acknowledge the problem..

I'm exhausted, and seriously it is frustrating to try to have a serious conversation with someone who's only immature.

I've had the patience to give you chances over and over again while you acted like it was I the problem.

What is the point of giving so much of myself when you only notice what YOU do..?

You can't change.. I've tried to help you for years, tried to get you to listen to me.. but it's like talking to a wall.

You tried to manipulate a thousand times.. guilt trapping, blackmailing, suicide threatening.. it isn't funny.

You lied to me for years.

You try to make it seem like it is fair when it was never fair.. I didn't ask to be Catfished.

It's been great years, but it's my time to go.. I do hope your transition goes well.

Late April 2025 · draft

The draft. Written after four weeks of deciding, and this is the version where I say the whole thing.

Narcissistic, manipulation, guilt trapping, blackmailing, suicide threatening, lied to me for years, I did not ask to be catfished. Every charge in here was something I had already written in vaguer form months earlier. This is the same list with the subject finally attached.

I do hope your transition goes well is in there too. I meant it. The transition was never the issue and I wanted the record to be clear on that.

Chronology
The message sent after “It's my time to go”

I give up then

I give up then.. I can't open up, and I can't even have a moment with you before you mention games.

I heard you promising things to me that you never fulfilled... you kept mentioning that you changed a lot for me but I just saw the same shit over and over.

I am sorry, won't happen again, I promise... and it happens again.

You say that I throw the shit at you, but it is still being about you when all I do is bottle myself up because you are so fragile that you can't take two words before already insulting me for trying to open up.

I try to put you before me, it's all I've done and when I need you, I get nothing back.

I have to pretend that I am happy or comfort you when you feel bad, and you “pretend” to comfort me and minutes later you are already back to the same loop.

I know you forget things, I know you have ADHD... but I can't live with someone who never listens and then gets mad when they have to do their part...

I did my part.

WHAT part? the one where you act like you are doing a ton of shit and then ignore me for the rest of the day playing games with people I don't know and if I complain you get mad at me?

You are stubborn and narcissistic, you place yourself before me and when you are at the edge of falling you “apologize”.. but then you don't do anything to change that, and if you do.. how much would it last? 1 day.. 2?

I can't keep doing it, I can't act like you don't forget all the promises you told me you would do without you forgetting them...

And when I remind you of it you call me out saying that I am a burden and that all I do is blame you.

If I had to blame you it would be for being a liar.

If it had to be something that benefits you, it doesn't take a moment before you decide to make it something about you that would make it useful for you.

The only reason you stay with me is because you want me to take you out of your house, but you do nothing to even help or support me, if all of it is about you then what does it matter if I feel bad or not?

Just pretend I am happy all the time and use me.

You are extremely fucking stubborn, I simply can't tell you something without you trying to prove me wrong or ignoring what I say.

You say you try to listen or that you are doing better to help me but YOU DON'T.

You just pretend that you do all of that but you don't really care about what I say, you just weaponize my feelings when it benefits you... its not fair that I have to bottle up my feelings because every time I try to tell you how I feel it ends up in you using that against me when you get tired of it.

I have to be afraid of anything because you can't take a single fucking word...

I am done, I am tired, and all you did for me is give me depression, trust issues, trauma and a lot of pain.

Go on, throw the blame on me, make it sound like I was the problem all along and that I am the one who caused you to feel the way you feel... because if I have to pretend one last time that there's something worth it in being patient and hurting myself, I'll just block you instantly.

I forgave you a thousand times, more than enough chances to change yourself, and even after the promises you keep looping back to how it was.. a stubborn piece of shit who can't put others before HIM.

Even if I put aside the part where you lied, kept everything hidden from me and manipulated me to believe a fantasy, it still hurts to see the reality. the deception that all of it was a lie and you still tried to make it sound like I meant something to you.

And when it all snapped, you tried to shift the blame on me before even taking accountability of all the shit you've done to me...

Better to just ignore the fact that you ruined the sanity that you pretend you cared about.

I can't tell you enough how much I hate you and how much you hurt me.

I love you, and I care for you. but what is the point if it is just me who cares?

Go back to living in your bubble.. you never accept the truth.

Late April 2025 · sent

The one I actually sent. He did not take two seconds before the typing indicator appeared, and I blocked him.

Nothing useful was going to come out of it. Anything he wrote would have been a reframe, and I had spent three years being reframed. Blocking mid typing was the only way the last word stayed accurate.

Notice it is gentler than the draft. I kept the reasons and dropped the verdict, because by then the verdict was for me, not for him.

Chronology
After “I give up then”

Still believing

After living everything that I've lived, I was asked.. “How could you still believe in love after all of that..?”

I know.. is stupid to feel love for someone that doesn't love you, and I still try.. I do my best, and I try to prove something that doesn't really bring me anywhere..

I want to be loved, I believe in love.. and I think I'm just too broken to see it.

Early June 2025

Two months out, and someone asked how I could still believe in love after that.

I answered honestly instead of defensively, which is the part I would keep. The alternative to still believing is deciding that everyone is a construction until proven otherwise, and that costs more, forever, than three years did.

Too broken to see it was wrong. What I could not see yet was that the capacity was intact and only the evidence was bad.

Chronology

Note for the prey

Neil has personality disorder, and so he easily separates his surface self from the one he shows to you, whether he's the real one or not.. it's none of my business anymore..

But the fact that I was outplayed this badly is kinda disappointing, at least I was smart enough to take the hints I was given to make out the puzzle.. so.. whatever you see, is not it..

And that's what I warn, not just in Neil.. but in other people too, it's easy to pretend a personality, more on someone who's used to manipulating others, Magie being the main subject in my book due to the extremely biased behavior and past experience.

Mid July 2025

Three months out, and this is where the anger turns into method.

The disappointment about being outplayed is doing a lot of work here. It reads as ego, and it is, but it is also the reason the note exists at all. I was not writing to warn one person, I was writing down the mechanism so it would be legible next time.

Left where Lachlan would find it, rather than told to him. Telling him would have made it my accusation, and Neil had already built the machine for handling accusations from me.

Chronology
Written for him, worrying he would fall victim to the narcissist

Some of my knowledge

Here.. I'm going to give you some of my knowledge nwn

  • Don't give up early, there's always a light around the corner.
  • No one should dim your light.
  • You know your mistakes, it's your strength to own them..
  • Apologizing doesn't make you weak..
  • Opening up and speaking your mind doesn't either.
  • One day you'll be back to this and see it properly..
  • Don't ever be ashamed of being yourself, you don't need to change.
  • You want to be accepted and loved for who you are, not for who they want you to be.
  • Your emotional needs are as important, don't put others before you.
  • You don't need to be rushed onto decisions.. you have all the time in the world to think rationally.
  • They'll twist words to make it seem like you're the problem.. just know that you are not.
  • You love deeply, and I understand it's hard to see things clearly.. but don't beat yourself if things go downhill.
  • Be proud of who you've become.. even with the pain and scars.
  • If you feel that it is the right decision, don't let others change it for you.
  • You have the right to be happy, no one should take it away from you.
  • Don't let anyone think you're a toy to play with.
  • You're enough as you are.. you only just get better and improve.
  • A single bad day shouldn't define your life.
  • If you're ever feel like it's not worth continuing, just know that you've come so far maturing.
  • Everything that happens is just another thing we learn..
  • And anything we learn is useful for our future..
  • You can get mad, it's okay.
  • Your emotions are valid, no one should say otherwise.
  • It's not about who caused it.. but what they caused.
  • The world is unfair, but it doesn't stop you from being good.
  • Check on yourself every once in a while.
  • There's people who care for you.
  • The future is scary, but the past is trauma..
  • What you'll do with the present is what will shape the path.
  • Make sure to wear gloves in the winter..

I think I'm going towards metaphors now.. my forte

  • The dog that barks doesn't bite.
  • Fire doesn't hurt, we're just afraid of the itch.
  • The night might be dark, but don't let it blind you.
  • You know that after every night the sun comes out..
  • Rain shouldn't change your mood..
  • Loneliness is sometimes better than being around bad people.
  • But you'll find worth in a banana, it's subjective..
  • So keep going with your ideals, you are doing great..
  • I'm proud of you, good luck.
Mid July 2025

Written for Lachlan while he was still inside it, and the whole thing is instructions rather than warnings.

They will twist words to make it seem like you are the problem, just know that you are not. That is the single line that matters, and it is the exact thing nobody said to me for three years.

This is what got read. He recognised the pattern from these notes, screenshotted Neil doing it, and got out. Not even a month.

Chronology
Following “Note for the prey”

Predictions

Predictions predictions...

  • As the time passes by, Neil will lose interest and start going rough on Lach..
  • Some arguments rising up, things Lach is doing but Neil doesn't see it or just tries to brush it off...
  • Lach will probably start to control himself and his actions until he's suppressing his emotions.
  • If he's strong he'll last, but it'll just get worse, if he snaps, suddenly Neil will act victim and make him look like the problem.
  • Defenders from both sides, more from Lach as he proves his morality in public, manipulated defenders on the other side cheering Neil.
  • Neither wins, but as always it'll end with scars on the puppet.. (Lach)

Estimated time... 6 months to 2 years

Not even a month. But I saved him, from the predator.

Mid July 2025

Written before I knew anything about Lachlan as a person. I was not predicting him, I was predicting Neil.

Lose interest, go rough, the other one suppresses himself, then a snap, then Neil plays victim and turns his circle on him. Estimated six months to two years, based on how long it took with me.

Not even a month. The prediction was correct about the script and wrong about the timing, because Lachlan was not far enough in for it to hold. That is the only prediction in this archive I was glad to get wrong.

Chronology

Why analogies

I just remembered.

The reason I started using analogies is because that person kept me at high guard and direct words were caught as attacks, so instead I controlled myself to the brim.

I hate you

The heat from a meal you didn't cook

Mid April 2026

A year later, and this is me explaining my own writing style to myself.

Direct words were caught as attacks, so I controlled myself to the brim. That is the whole 2024 archive in one sentence. Irony of a perfect life, the duck and the goose, every metaphor in this file exists because plain speech was not permitted.

I hate you, versus the heat from a meal you did not cook. The second one says more and could not be used against me. That was the trade.

Chronology
A week later — on coping

Four opinions at once

I just remembered that one time I split myself in different personalities,

that was such a weird moment.

I had like 4 different opinions at the same time.

I might just have every tactic against sadness.

Late April 2026

Splitting into four voices to argue with myself, and describing it as a tactic rather than a symptom.

It is a tactic. When there is no one to check your read against, you build the disagreement internally. Three years without a reliable second opinion will do that, and it is the same instinct that later became writing everything down.

Chronology

A clown in a lonely circus

What I was thinking is that I feel miserable because I do everything with the purpose of getting attention, loud.. random or spontaneous, and even tho I ignore that ache when I am alone and quiet, I think everyone has their own friends and I'm just a clown in a lonely circus everyone walks by.

I do feel lonely in my little place.

I am trying to get attention off of people who don't really know me, and I try to ignore that I hate myself by being loud and not listening to my own self criticism.

I see it, toxicity (me).. seeing everyone happy.

I wish to be there too, but I just never fit in.

I am there, but it feels like I am always at my quiet corner.

Shy and just talking when I get my turn.

I bang it, as loud as I can.. but that's just me trying to stay alive, be important for a moment, until they have to go and I am alone again.

Early May 2026

A year after the break up, and the loneliness outlasted the relationship by a long way.

Getting attention from people who do not really know me is the thing to look at. That was the exact vulnerability he used, and it did not close when he left, because he never created it. It was always there.

Written in the same period as the Threads month, ten conversations at once, and the friend asking whether I needed it or was filling a gap.

Chronology
Following “A clown in a lonely circus”

If I just disappeared

Maybe what scares me is the fact that if I just disappeared, no one would even wonder if I'm okay.

I can't keep everyone happy, I try..

I can't keep everyone around me.

I just have to live with it.

But it feels lonely.

The clown and it's little circus.

The analogy of the train of life.

Early May 2026

The quiet version of the same night, and the hardest line in the archive to leave standing.

It is also the one the evidence contradicts most directly. Ribbit vouched for me unprompted. Lachlan read what I wrote and says it got him out. The belief that nobody would notice is the residue of three years of being told my presence was a burden, and it is not a measurement of anything real.

Chronology

Everything is gray

I don't know what to do about this stupid feeling man.

I am not sure if it's part of depression or what.

It's like uselessness, like everything is gray and you have no motivation for anything.

It's infuriating.

I can say it's just 5AM thoughts but I feel the same during the day.

Or maybe worse because I feel like I'm not doing anything.

I hear these sobbing noises in the back of my mind and I still haven't found a reason for it.

Could it be related?

Early May 2026

The most recent one, and the most matter of fact.

No metaphor, no analogy, no encryption. Just asking directly whether this is depression. After two years of writing everything sideways so it could not be used against me, this one is plain, which is its own kind of progress.

The sobbing noises in the back of my mind sit alongside the sleep paralysis entries. Same year, same period.

Metaphors

A single brick

A single brick.. the whole building falls...

Squeezing it in.. seal it.

Better alone than in bad company.

Rain during a sunny day.

It's heavy, can't carry it alone.

No one is coming.. I must try.

I slept enough, I still feel tired.

Be your own help.

It's not that cold.

The burning feeling in the eyes.

Each time it happens you wished it was the last.

Something as simple as breathing..

You don't want to feel that way..

Sleep it off, sometimes helps.

Never feel lonely will all the voices in your head.

I still feel lonely.

Metaphors

Duck duck goose

Paint yourself a different color.

Act different to be heard.

Maybe they don't want a duck..

Maybe they want a goose..

Duck duck goose that is.

It's hard to be who they want you want to be..

It's easy to feel bad for it.

It's not me.. it really isn't.

It's you.. and is not me, this is not me.

Who I am wearing? It doesn't matter.

Do you like it? I tried my best.

But I don't like it.

It's not me, it never was..

When will it happen?

Being finally the center of attention..

Chosen first..

Someday it'll happen..

Someday someone will choose.

Choose me.. not this..

Not much to say...

I don't like pretending.

I am good at lying.

I am bad at lying..

I don't try to lie.

It is not even worth it..

Metaphors
A reworking of “Duck duck goose”

Masks don't do that

Paint yourself a different color.

Maybe they don't want a duck..

Maybe they want a goose..

It's not me.. it really isn't.

Who I am wearing? It doesn't matter.

Do you like it? I tried my best.

When will it happen?

Choose me.. not this..

I know.. I am so funny.

No, I am okay.

I am fine, don't worry.

I am not sad, it's okay.

I never cry, why would I?

Masks don't do that.

It took time to make it.

Just that one knockoff brand.

The item in offer that no one buys.

Maybe.. the right shift key.

Always close but far.

Why would I try?

To lose whatever left I have?

I am exhausted.

Metaphors
Written during the relationship, about him

Irony of a perfect life

Loving someone you can't have.

Having that person so close yet so far.

When it feels that they are with you, the distance becomes evident.

You can't tell that person what you feel, they won't understand.

No one understands what you feel and you just.. want to take it out.

Everyone says the same thing “I can't help you”.

And it's always been the same.

Holding in emotions that you can't express.

Everyone puts your feelings aside because you are a mess.

And they only want you to use you.

Put the blame somewhere else, it won't make it better.

A big apology won't heal a broken plate.

Can't help but feel like everything you do is worthless.

No one is grateful for your efforts.

Do more, do less, it doesn't matter much.

No one notices the difference you make in their lives.

What does it matter to be or not to be.

Why bother, promises never get fulfilled.

Patience is key, in a world where time is money.

Wait for someone and be left hanging.

Hurt yourself for others to feel happy.

Love is like a murder case, never know why it happens or when it ends.

The efforts you do that never get repaid.

Having dreams that never happened.

Hoping for a future that gets shattered with bad news.

Wait for something that will never show up.

Save up for a present that'll be forgotten later on.

Care for tiny details that no one notice.

Put the time on something that ends up left aside.

Seek comfort and be called needy.

When they need you, they don't hesitate to call you a friend.

Give and receive, just remove the second part.

Morally incorrect and they do worse behind your back.

Counterclaim feelings of jealousy with insults.

Know them well and still expect good changes that'll never happen.

Appreciate things or be called unsupportive.

Try your best just to be ignored.

Be there for them and they'll look for someone else.

Irony of a perfect life.

Watch out for ‘unexpected’ disappointment.

Care for a selfish person.

Find a reason to continue living and excuse yourself with it.

“You matter”.. until you don't.

When you need them the most is when you realize how much they care for you.

Look for a needle in a haystack, just like looking for understanding in selfish company.

Be fragile for someone who's ice cold.

Cry your needs to get responded with complaints.

Doesn't matter what you do, changing will only quicken the inevitable.

They put the blame on you and walk away from responsibilities.

You believe their promises only to end up disappointed.

When your plans get ruined by a pessimistic person.

Life is like a children's book.. it's all fun and games until you know the actual story behind it.

Senseless words from a person who gets mad when being called out.

Fifty three lines, and almost none of them are general. Nearly every one is a specific thing he did with the subject taken out.

That was deliberate, and it is the clearest example of how I wrote that year. Said as a universal it sounds relatable, something anyone could nod at. Said as an accusation it becomes a fight I would lose, because naming him meant being told I was overreacting again.

So the complaints went out encrypted. Promises never get fulfilled, wait for someone and be left hanging, cry your needs to get responded with complaints, morally incorrect and they do worse behind your back, look for understanding in selfish company. Every one of those has a date and an incident behind it.

Read as poetry it is a cry for help. Read as testimony it is an itemized account, and it is more complete than anything I ever said to his face.

October 2024
Metaphors

Another episode

It's just another episode.

Endure it alone..

You always do it alone.

Why would you trust in others?

Did they ever help you when you needed it?

They did not.. you know it well..

How many times were you disappointed by them?

Enough to not count them with your fingers..

So.. what are you going to do?

Stay there sad and act like a baby?

It's just.. not you, I know..

But will others even care if you disappear?

What even will happen if you do?

Really nothing..

Nothing will change if you disappear..

No one will ask..

No one will say “Joaquin is gone..”

“Where is Joaquin?”

Will they even ask?

The only reason you are still online is because you need to to keep a living..

It just.. doesn't feel worth trying anymore.

It's tiring..

Metaphors

The boat at the lake

It all feels calm.

A boat waiting at the lake.

The fresh air of the morning.

The weight is light now.

No more being squeezed.

Just got to continue.

Maybe it'll be different.

Everything will be off.

But better from now onwards.

Rhymes

The loneliness is loud

The loneliness is loud

Happiness I was never allowed

Maybe I was numb to notice

But I was smart to realize

I wasn't happy, I never was

But I wanted to be...

Maybe if I wasn't sleepy

I would've passed the class

Not my best, I was sad..

The depression didn't let me rest..

I've felt this bad for a long time

But I cover it to not whine.

I am not a baby, I am strong

But I am exhausted, I feel wrong

I wish it could be better maybe..

And I doubt it'll change.. it's lazy

I can't talk about my feelings..

No one understands the meanings

If I walk them through each word

They'd probably shrug it out

I simply can't explain myself.

It's a burden to retain myself

I just want to be alone..

I just want to have someone

Rhymes

Depression, Oppression

Depression, Oppression

Leave an impression

Why is it that they want so much for people to care some?

Wish to be a good one or still be a person?

Maybe try yourself to be a real scary or some..

Witness? It isn't your business..

Why don't you go back to trying some fitness?

Is it so hard for you to get back on greatness?

You should really make yourself some room for the bird nest.

It is all about labels, it's a real mess daily

why care so much about what they call them

“real” girls nowadays.. there's no pride

it is no prime-of the alleged fake crimes

they commited all-times.. it is..

A fake world that we live in everyday

A place where lies lie in every way

would you live long enough to see it burn?

No.. you lived long enough to see it born.. it is

A fake world that we care for every night

A rare sight bound to hurt us all the time

do you want to be in here when it all ends?

yes, dying seems more reasonable than any of this.

Ego, let go.. where my pet go?

They say I fear no (evil)

Might as well claim I am the devil

No, I am just one hell of a pear? bro.

it annoys me.

how it always been the case

that they avoid the real problem

that it's meant to evade...

all the issues there are, that

there's some that are far from

the truth that we know.. they are

hard to hide in fact..-

everyday, every night.. it's a fight for survival

that now it's meant to be

about the failure or battle.

you know what? fuck the rhymes now

if it has to be about reality

I would want to fake gravity

it has nothing to do with rabbits there

wanna know something?

don't care about gravity

crime scene? fight the sin

want a pin? thrown to the bin

why are you here then?

no worries, I'll leave soon man

morality, more like false reality

don't act perfect, no more than me

should face the world more often

might make yourself soften

Rhymes
A fictional story — two voices

The knife and the wine

Might feel a while a little vile

But this sense of humor ain't

going nowhere it's elsewhere

I might hate myself for the mile

Just wait till you see the file

I want to see your face in the stairs

But it's not fair that you don't like me there

Am I too much or did you not watch?

Personality doesn't match

Why try to catch? The breath

Stop running what did I do?

I told you it went through

The knife yeah, I did it too

Deep just like you knew.

There's no coming back from here

Running wont solve or beer

Alcohol? Don't cover your ears

You're coming with me now

Wanna escape? Face it then

Look at me, it'll tell you when

And then we'll get rid of ben

Unless you want to bend

I am not planning to

Escape or something too

But if you wanna do

Then you can't count me boo

I am a dead man, it's over now

Whether they find it, it'll be wow

How careful that you were

liar you also were there

They'll find you there

Don't go where?

I'll try to escape fair

Don't, stop! what are you doing?

Are you kidding me? Stop!

God! Look at what you've done

Agh.. are you insane!?

Do you want to die?

Fuck.. the trail of blood

You fucked everything up!

They're gonna find me.. run

Don't stop, just go

It's all the life a while

The fucking taste in the wine

Red like blood it is a vibe

It wasn't meant like this

But it's how it goes in life

You can't trust your wife

She's crazy, shouldn't have a knife

There's no where to go they say

It was over from the start I say

She dragged me here, sliced me

And now she ran away from here

I'm getting helped but there's no news

Was a while she's been in the views

Hope they catch her that fucking slut

She killed someone and hid em in the lot

Rhymes

Overthinking

May be overthinking..

Maybe it's just sinking

The thought of flirting..

Nah that's weird.

Try weed they say

I don't NEED, I say

It's cool, smells like shit

Why do they like beer?

Like people drinking coffee

They wanna be in a coffin.

Die early or die longer?

It's not the same thing..

Suffering hurts, duh..

Pain hurts too, bruh

Does it tho? It's psychological

Pattern recognition

We can explain everything!

We have science for things!

Might study a lot of wings

And find it means nothing!

Studying is stupid, it has dying in it

I might as well try flying..

That's what they say weed does

I don't believe it.. it's a lie. Fallacy

I love that word..

What was I talking about?

They care much about diets

“Give me a diet coke, and 10 burgers please”

It's pretty funny..

Believing that's gonna change

Think about opinions..

Because social status matters

Of course.. it's all fake

Just eat your nuggies

Just then I'll give you huggies

You like em no? Fatass..

Rather dress homeless than fake

I am not rich enough to dress

Dress like a persona

I don't need to pretend

I don't need to like..

Coffee tastes like shit

Beer is terrible

Weed does not help

It's all collective bullshit.

We like to pretend popular

An ant in this huge world

It doesn't make me cool

It's falling into the play

Want to fit in? Fall into trends

Copy what you see, sheep.

Trend has end in it.

It's not gonna last..

Everything is temporary

Even the remains of a break up

Men love forever.. a fact

But it doesn't mean to hurt

Just good memories of it

What..? No just pretend

Believe what you see, it's easy

Just look around, copy them

Have no personality or own

You are not yourself anymore

Be a sheep, like the rest..

That's what you want right?

Drink beer and coffee

Even if it tastes like shit

Maybe then you'll have attention

That need for validation..

Annoying world, just be yourself

Rhymes

Colors have no labels

I write nonsense

Or maybe I talk offense

I don't mean to defend

It's just hard to pretend

Rhymes rhymes.. it's all about the...

Lines, lines? Times? Uhh lemon

Why care of what matches

It looks good enough here

Blue, yellow, pink..

Whatever man, just keep bringing me that

Tuco? Uhhh fucko

Something..

Colors don't matter

Don't dress clown tho

So colorful it hurts

Try washing that

Mix colors, turns gray

Emotions too, can't have all

It's not that easy

Or maybe it's messy.

No way, a rhyme with gray

Maybe say gay..

Ofc the rainbow..

Ruined color spectrum

Let's be gray!

Colorful is boring

At the end it still turns gray

Like it or not colors are fake

I like purple. “Ha ha girl color”

Colors have no labels

Maybe you do, what you want to be.

I wanna be yellow

Personality in colors!

They matter a lot

I rather not fit in

They might not like me

I am yellow, but blue.

Gasp Racism..

No, or yes?

I prefer being myself

No one else is me

Talk about probabilities

Don't care. Didn't ask

Rhymes

Blasphemy

Blasphemy, just a fallacy

Words that rhyme with pharmacy

Drug store, around the block

Not that kind bruh

Just me, always be

The one that is

Or the kind who am

It's just be, that's me

Rhymes

Shame and blame

It's a shame to take the blame

For all things except of fame

Feel insane but that's just vague

It's my way of saying hey

It sticks like tail flicks

What clicks? No.. tricks

Oh so freaks, yeah that.

Those leaks they fake

It's always weak

Rhymes

Night stand

feels wrong to understand

more that they can withstand

might just be the night stand.

leave the glasses of normality

drift to sleep and maybe wake up

some girls do that.. wear make up

I prefer them normal, not fake up

talk about normality I put them on

I look at the sky see it glow

it's just lighting, nothing else

no.. it's a dome, like rome

you mean rome colosseum?

what..? no, a huge doom

like circles and shapes

draw one and get a shake

that's not a circle..

circles don't exist, fantasy

another word with pharmacy

no I just care about reality

something like triviality..

a calamity? no.. duality

you mean ying yang, right?

wing wang? what's that

I don't speak yellow

might as well turn mellow

like marshmallow but not quite

what does willow mean?

something like pillow?

maybe I am wrong, always bong

that doesn't even rhyme

shut up, you always whine

better drunk drinking wine

Rhymes

Vigilante

Vigilante, Elegant-E

something like an an-T

it doesn't make sense

but it all rhymes right

so why bother light

when it could just be night

why? it doesn't matter

just fill up the platter

food full of bullshit

full of shit, more like bag of whit

whit what? whot..? like.. little?

bit of that, wag of spat

not making much sense

just jump over a fence

why are you so dense?

you are always so tense..

drink some tea

might help you some key

open up a treasure..

not really guaranteed

gold is not worth it..

it's all perception bit

to me it makes more sense

to just go and then sit

health is more important..

no.. economy I'll rant

they care more of money

than a life of an ant

go back to the split

they always so weak

if they don't wanna speak

then just walk out and quit

Rhymes

Luxuries

Finite resources..

Everyone wants happiness

Limited, pretty much plentyless

Like a girl being pantyless..

A luxury just a few can enjoy

Like those moments of joy..

They never last forever

I know why, whatever..

A resource if plentiful

Stops being a luxury

If we all were happy

Sadness lacks, another luxury

We don't want to be dead..

Let's prefer to be feed

A hamburger! Tasty

A luxury that's feisty

We love luxuries.. sparse

They wouldn't be if more was

Just like love is a farce

What we love to call luxury

More of an addiction

Made out of delusion

Well.. just an illusion

Made all by confusion..

But we don't talk about love here

We talk about simple things

Sparse things, weird things

Kinks are luxuries

Uhhh enough.

Rhymes

Fuck the luck

Fuck the luck..

I will be mocked

It's obvious I am not Buck

He's just lucky, read a book

I think I hate it..

Hate it all, hate the lucky

Hate them all..

I don't like probabilities

More like accountability

Countability? Yeah.. ability

Bility is what it has..

Freelity? Humility?

I don't know, randomness

Like a lioness

Something about panda express

Wtf is that? A piece of chess?

Cheese, breeze..

A type of squeeze..

Huh? Fondling, rubbing

Just stop please

I don't know what I say

I don't know what I rhyme

I just do it because I mind..

It doesn't need to make sense

It doesn't make it an offense

Look over the fence

There's something that makes sense..

Mockup fuck up

I think I fucked toph

Wannabe a— rook (WHAT!?)

Rookie, they say

Fucky I say, lucky?

No I digress.

Look at the progress

Far to transgress..

Congress? That's stress

It's a huge mess

They wanna fix it.. say no less

Killing humans solves it

Two stones with one bird

That's not how it goes..

Stereo objective with a mono weapon..

Too descriptive..

Thrusting deep and hard

That's descriptive

It can be worse..

Pussy and dick

Piss and diss

Look at this

Like the abyss

Bliss? Please..

It's impossible to be happy

Rhymes

Leave that cult

Religion, ambition..

They care of a vision

A creature with no name

Praying it won't rain..

Suddenly apologetic

That's really pathetic

It feels diabetic

That it is so easy for them.

Just say sorry mister god

I repent of my sins..

I'll do it again I swear

Frustrating..

They go around promoting

God loves you, who's that?

Christ lives inside us all

That's kind of gay..

Why do they hate gay so much?

Why do they try so hard?

I am not gonna join you

Your group of creeps

The weak minded fall into the trap

A cheese for a rat I say

Words like that convey..

They say there's a way..

Just taint god's name

That'll do well to you

I am scared, me too

But take responsibility..

You are an adult..

Leave that cult

Rhymes

Rhymes with pay

I love this in a kind of way

Soon enough it'll be may

That's not it hey..

I mean that I don't like to pay

I love free stuff in a way

Because free is like yay

Maybe I don't like it.. okay?

Or I don't know what to say..

It does sound really gay

Just jump into the bay

It'll definitely make my day

Or something about tray

What's up with hays tho?

They sound like hey

Or the name Jay

Rhymes

Lice, lies, the same

So late in the night I start seeing with my eyes

Believe me I might have something to do with lice..

I think you meant lies, no.. rice or lays, laying and lying, is it not the same?

Something about going insane

Feeling like it's just the same

Everyday is the same

I really think it's lame

Looking out the rain

I can't even see a plane

It's plain, like trains

Tf they are not plain!?

A rhyme, don't say

It's just the same

Everybody is the same

Nobody is sane

And I think I'm in pain

Or maybe it's in vain

Being part of it

Part of the fun

Part of someone

Or maybe I run..

I don't wanna die

I don't like to lie

I prefer to dive into the bed to sleep just fine

I think of things, independence I wanna cling

But it seems far away right now, probably next spring..

I'm doing my best here, I am doing what I can..

Don't give up early I say, to others but not mine

I should motivate myself and maybe I'll be fine

It's not like feeling happy is some kind of crime

I wanna be happy, I wanna be free

I like to eat a burger and also drink tea

Liar I hate tea, why do you even break the poem?

It was going so well and now we have a problem..

Ugh.. autism or baptism..

Locking someone into rules

They didn't even chose to roll it

I can't hate my life

I should be glad of that

Being happy doesn't make you fat

But sometimes I wish I could be happy like a cat

Rhymes

This was about pizzas

I'm always lazy, crazy

I think it's Nice, I see..

Rather icy, mice..(??

Thinking of buying ice

Don't think it goes with rice

Might try adding some spice

It'll probably add to the slice

A lice.. slice of pizza, toppings

Put in some pepperoni hoping.

Pudding, that's food coping

I prefer to eat something stoking

Stanning, yeah they do that

More like stalk and fan..

Stan, poor people named that

They probably look fat

Maybe try some fit

Something that makes you hit

Hit the gym I hear them say

I broke a limb, they heard

Crippled for being rude

Back to pizzas, no..

I don't have my visa yet

Might have amnesia

Who calls their daughter Lisa?

Ugh, this was about pizzas..

Rhymes

The morning night

The quiet sound of the morning night

It's so loud that it makes me fright

I feel the pressure of the liminal

When there's nothing, it's so minimal

Not a single dog is barking

Not a single car is parking

Everyone is sleeping

I should be one speaking

The outside feels so quiet

It's almost like it's on diet

It doesn't seem to be tied

To anything I'm so fried

Why does it feel so weird? It's liminal

Why is there no one here? It's criminal

Shouldn't there be a sound? It's so quiet

I shouldn't rhyme off bounds.. I'm no poet

Early 2026
Rhymes

For Mom

When I look back at my life

I think of what I did wrong

What I could've avoided

When I should've recoiled

Wanting to change that void is..

Hard to think what the point is

Apologize and see if that does it

But Past doesn't change and I know it

Always thought I'd be different

That was not what I meant

Didn't want to be like him

Nor to act like him

I was raised right

from day one to this night

I felt I was wrong on that night

I didn't think much but it's tight

I want to thank you for all of your time

Wasted on a life like mine

The burden I caused and all that it cost

Money spent and the pain that you dealt

Was never the best kid to exist

I was doing my best to resist

I could've ended it all and I desist

Did it all for you and to coexist

My life was a gift and that's no lie

Or my life was a lie and that is a lie

I did what I could and what I understood

So sorry for all the trouble that I did

I can't do enough to show you that it's true

I want to make it up to you in a way that I know

Which is with words and that's all I throw

I am not like my father and that you know

It hurts to remember my past and see that

It shaped me in ways that I must admit is not

The way I thought I was, so fast the time

moves so fast I can't be last

last to die because everyone is older

one day when the nights turn colder

I'll think of who has raised me to be bolder

and taught me how to be older

I can't imagine my life without you

all that we went through

when we were happy few

without dad, he was an asshole that's true

I am glad to be alive in the same world

to have been raised and have you to hold

I wish things get better and we don't fold

I am just scared of life even if I don't show

2026
Riddles

Contradiction

Often lying.. or maybe not..?Often honest.. or maybe not..?

If I were in a find the imposter game, I'd be the gay between the straights.If I were in a find the imposter game, I'd be the straight between the gays.

I might smile if you make me sad.I might cry if you make me sad.

Games make me happy.Games don't make me happy.

I wish I was killed.I don't wanna die.

I love suffering.I hate suffering.

Finding the lie is easy.Finding the lie is hard.

Finding me happy is too!Finding me happy is too.

Wish you could talk to the fake me.Wish you could talk to the real me.

Isolation feels nice.Isolation feels awful.

Sometimes I over feel.Sometimes I feel nothing.

I love the overwhelming sensations that come from crying.I hate the overwhelming sensations that come from crying.

Riddles

Curiosity

Do you think you like me?

Am I just myself or him?

I can't find the right pose to say this.

I feel fine about how you think of how I think of myself.

I might like it when I get squeezed, it doesn't depend on me.

I wanted to feel, but I felt something.. did I not like it?

Riddles
The same riddle, longer — “it’s harder with more words”

Curiosity, with more words

Do you think you like me? I'll change.

Am I just myself or him, do you like it?

I can't find the right pose to say this, maybe the instrument of surprise will tell.

I feel fine about how you think of how I think of myself, but I don't like it.

I might like it when I get squeezed, it doesn't depend on me, but I wish it did when I squeezed you.

I wanted to feel, but I felt something.. did I not like it? Or did I make you feel too difficult?

Riddles

Life

So short yet long..

We all had it once.

When will it end?

Why does it end?

Just gotta enjoy it.

While we can...

Riddles
Not a riddle — wordplay, in character as God

They call me God

I missed two days at work, they're now known as weekend.

When I go to restaurants, I order them to guess what I want.

I ran fast enough that now the earth spins, they call those days.

When I'm too hot, I turn on the AC.. they branded it seasons.

The earth is not leveled, I leveled the space to be at level for earth.

When it's raining, I sneeze.. they call it thunder.

Sometimes I like to play with shadows, now it's an eclipse.

I sleep two extra hours.. it's called daylight savings now.

They ever question the Egyptian, gravity wasn't invented yet because I needed an excuse to not do it, those bricks were light work.

I created gravity and gave the credit to that one physicists.. everyone thinks it was an apple.

They mention the speed of light, but I actually didn't create light.. Light is the absence of darkness.

Darkness has to speed limit, because I made sure it was fast.

Remember, if you're ever tired, is because I invented sleepiness.

My biggest error was give monkeys conscience.

One day I got bored of the same people talking the same language, so I invented languages and races, now they hate each other and it's more fun.

They call me God, I call myself.. I don't call myself, but they call me by my name.

If you ever wondered, there's over 3 terms for space.. I invented about 6 of them.

Life's fun and games until you don't play games for fun.

Work hard or get hard working.

Taking your time is considered stealing.

Smoking is like me, dumb.

If you give a person 10 dollars, it'll have 10 dollars.

I made myself because without me I wouldn't exist.

If orange is a color, why is it called like the fruit?

They call it limited edition because unlimited is underrated.

These days are days that happen.

Sleeping is so easy I do it with my eyes closed.

Somedays I think.

Thoughts

A different route

Maybe tomorrow I'll take a different route.

It'll be a change in my usual routine.

I am worried of the unknown..

I got used to the usual route..

But I'll never know if it is any better to go in a different route if I don't try.

Life is about changing.

Moving over and over.

Because staying means being stuck.

One day you'll have to let go off your past.

Thoughts

Villains and heroes

Villains and Heroes are not so different.. both are born from pain.

What makes them different is how they reacted to that pain..

One side decided to take revenge, the other tries to make sure others didn't end in the same situation...

Whatever path you take in life is what defines your life onwards.

Thoughts

Normal doesn't mean anything

Normal doesn't mean anything.

What is wrong?..

Nothing is right.

Because what people think is not.

And what I think is — either.

They don't look after themselves.

May be hard to lick your elbow.

Or look behind your ear.

It's not impossible, nor is to shut up.

But be loud enough to be heard.

Maybe someone will care..

Or maybe no one will.

What does it matter? It's just voices.

More voices, I'm so happy.

They're gone, they don't tell me what to do or say..

That's what psychopaths say.

But they think they're weird..

Maybe they are more normal than they seem.

But who am I to judge?

I am a worn match in the box full of them.

I may be more normal than they think.

Maybe I am the one who's wrong.

Or they are not right.

But what sometimes feels right is actually wrong...

Perception is subjective, yeah and?

What you say means nothing..

I have to be loud enough to be heard.

Even if they try to mute me.

It won't stop me to die, it'll be as loud as it can.

Write it down maybe that way it'll last..

The water washing away the ink..

A tattoo is permanent until you get a bruise.

Nothing is permanent.

Everything is nothing.

Because: life is contradicting.

There's no start to an end.

And maybe that's what makes it worse.

Why would it start, if it'll always end?

Just another twisted experiment..

Tampering with humans, there's poor and there's rich..

And I am none of them.

But what does it matter if I am rich in everything but money?

It doesn't, they're wrong and I am — neither.

Go back to basis..

Right, wrong or either? Just not.

Maybe yes, sometimes.. mayhaps.

Twisted mentality that makes you smart..

Who said we were sane?

Just because I'm smart doesn't mean I am.

Just coping with the pain, the twisted reality we live in.

Some want to scream, yell, shout.

They're not loud enough, it'll be temporary...

A glimpse of what the world lasts.

Make a pyramid, it'll disappear somewhen..

A building will break, it doesn't matter..

You're unimportant.. you're temporary.

Replaceable.

Just a toy in a twisted world.

And does that stop you?

Not really, you're yourself.

You are who you made yourself as..

It's heroic.

And I think it's stupid, because I cope with my own thoughts.

The inner fights that tend to make me feel bad, I don't let them.

That's why I look more sane than I seem, I hate it.

But I don't hate myself, I hate life, I hate everything...

And maybe, I love it... The chaos.

Chaos makes this world perfect, despite how horrible it is, I hate it so much...

And I love myself for it, I'm chaos.

I'm the world, I'm at the corner of it, because spheres have no corners...

One day someone will figure it out..

It's not a scream for help..

It's just me.

Thoughts

I am the world

You're my world.. I love you.

Yes, because if I didn't exist,

You wouldn't exist either.

It's the walking contradiction.

That maybe it'll all end.. 2012?

That was a while ago.

It never happened, just like finding the right piece.

The one piece!?

No.. a girl that likes me.

Huh..? But you're so handsome.

Lies, over lies.. it's not about that.

The world is toxic, it never wants to end.

It's not about me, it's about the world.

And I'm the world, what did I say?

It's about contradictions.

I am contradictory, it's me.

Exactly, now you get it.

But what about them?

It's not going to happen..

Wish there was peace.

Racism, homophobia, whatever..

It's just a bunch of crybabies.

They didn't learn respect.

I didn't either, I just embraced it.

But I hate them too, because I am all..

And I am nothing too..

The flying contradiction?

Yes the world floats in space (I think...)

No it doesn't.. I'm right here.

So late at night yet there's no day.

What's the point of it anyway?

Cold doesn't exist, it's just the lack of heat.

An animal in heat? Sounds hot.

Or maybe it's cold...

It's contradictory, everything is..

Nothing is everything..

Or is it the other way around?

I don't even know anymore.

But I know everything.

I am the world~

But I never was.

Or was I ever?

I always been..

But never were.

It doesn't matter...

It does, it's a lie.

You don't matter.

You should die and all.

It would be funny.

I would laugh and stuff.

Contradictions, lies.. it's all different...

I don't care at all.

I wanna die.

Maybe I'll do..

Never.

Or ever?

Lies.

I always lie.

Thoughts

The loud sound of silence

The loud sound of silence in a room with no walls..

It's an annoying feeling to be put aside

That nowhere I go do I feel welcome...

No one I talk with understands what I feel

Suddenly there's no wind, it's harder to take a breath

Is like everything turned more difficult than it was

And all I want to do is enjoy what I couldn't have..

None of that will ever come back, it'll never happen

Can't ask anyone for a hug, it'll feel empty

The sensation of pressure that doesn't make you warm

The feeling of sweating and wanting to retreat..

It's disrespectful, didn't feel like a hug

I expected more, I just wanted to be happy

And the only way to feel included is...

Being included by myself, on my own

Like I always have. Alone. With no one...

I can't just give up on life, no matter how bad.

It's just another one of those days

Feeling regret and relief that I am me

That I know.. and others don't

That I am smart enough to be on my own...

But sad that I can't take anyone with me

Every time I try to explain something,

It's like they don't understand what I say

It's not a hard concept, I even use easy words.

Yet they make me sound like I am stupid..

I don't get it.. this world.. it's hard

I don't like it, I wanna be happy... for once..

Even the things I do, they are excuses

Buy luxuries.. yes, just coping with myself

Distractions from my real problem.

Because they don't actually make me happy.

No one depends on me.. they rely on me..

It hurts, I don't want to be used, it's frustrating

But I don't want them to forget me.

Is it all I am? Just a tool? Does anyone love me?

Love.. what a concept, being attracted to another being.

If only I could feel real love for once

Someone that doesn't depend on me

Someone independent, lives her own..

Someone who doesn't love me by interest

Just... someone normal, no more problems.

I just wanna be happy.

Thoughts

Summer cold

Summer cold.. a cloudy sight.

The sun hasn't come out.

And it doesn't feel like it's gonna do..

It all feels slow, and boring.

Reminded that I'm just one.

Not part.. never in it..

Always last, maybe never..

I'm translucent.. strange..

Like I never got enough sun.

No one sees me, the usual.

I have friends, they all like me.

Do they? Are you sure they care?

You don't want to sleep..

Not now, I know why.

Worrying.. that no one would..

Disappearing and no one notices.

No one worries, no one cares..

What would happen..?

Where do I go? Why..?

Is it worth it? Who is there?

Is there anyone? Anyone there?

Trapped.. like a dog in a shelter..

Everyone goes, chosen.. Happy.

Living a life with people they love.

Enjoying a freedom that I don't..

I'm still here.. forgotten..

Ignored.. still waiting.

When will it be my turn..?

When will I be happy?

Can I really be happy..?

It doesn't matter if I'm there..

I don't exist, not to them..

I'm just noise, I have no voice.

What's the point?

When will they notice..?

Will they ever..?

Sigh I don't want to sleep..

Thoughts

What moving on is

A lot of people assume that moving on means forgetting.. but no.

Moving isn't about going to theraphy, doing something about it, or escaping.

Some think that a psychologist will help you move on, but they don't.. because moving on is not something you just fix, you can't just move on with a snap of your fingers.

Maybe you'll wake up, you'll think about it, for months or years.. what happened, what you did, or what someone else did. It sticks to your head, maybe you're guilty of it.. or you blame someone for it.

But you'll just keep living, doing your daily things.. finding new friends, anything.

And one day you'll wake up, and feel quiet, you'll not think about it anymore, it's still there and you didn't forget.. but you're not thinking about it anymore.

That's when you move on.

Thoughts
From the testament

The five stages

Notice the pattern.

Denial. When he revealed the big secret I first denied it. Not the lie, but the fact that I was angry. I was pretending I was fine.

Anger. I bursted out on her. She comforted me.

Bargaining. Me telling him that I was gonna think about it and that I did not have my answer yet.

Depression. My attitude did a 90 and I stopped sounding so excited to anyone. It was not my lowest point in life so it is fine. I would talk lazily, not care about responding to him or the girl. I did not see a point in doing so anymore.

Acceptance. When I was done with my thoughts I clarified that I am not happy with myself, and I was just gonna play with that person for a few days before leaving. I accepted what happened, that I was dumb for not reacting earlier, but it is okay because I noticed I do not need him to live.

I mapped my own grief onto the five stages while I was still inside it, and got the order right. Most people can only do that looking back.

The useful part is the first one. What I denied was not the lie, it was my own anger about it. That is the thing that kept me in place for three years, not gullibility. I could always see the situation, what I deferred was permission to react to it.

Rants

I ain't reading allat

I am the world.

No you're not, you're just a narcissistic sociopath who all he does is play with other people's emotions projecting your own problems onto others and then complaining about it if they don't validate you for what you've caused in the first place..

Damn, I ain't reading allat.

You're probably projecting.

It must be something genetical.

They think they're unique.

Nothing is unique, because it has happened once, twice..

Even more than I can count.

Rants

Literacy is a fallacy

Literacy is just another fallacy

It annoys me how far they take it

When it's meant to be simple

Be mono for once, no need to be stereo.

All I ask for is simplicity

Something to read and get.

A dictionary is called..

No that's something else

What's the use of pets?

A need to fulfill a fragile ego?

Command a low mind creature

Mammals make no sense..

Some of those fuck mares

How does that work?

I don't know, careful tho

I don't wanna fall into that trap

Trip and fall, that fake grass

It's totally visible, that's manipulation indeed

Or maybe it's just me

Foresee more than others

I get dejavus.. all the time

More often than I thought

I don't get it, but I am a prophet

I see the future, how..?

The future is beyond our view

Or maybe it's at the end of the block

They say that's where drug dealers sell

I think it's catch bait

But if it works for them,

Why bother wondering?

Perception.. does that mean

Muffled is the same as blurry?

I hear blurry.. I see muffled

I need glasses for my ears

And I need to uncover my eyes

That's weird, I am deaf of mouth

Rants

Perception

Why is it that in the philosophical sense the world doesn't exist beyond our perception, it means that without me no one does..

Don't come with that, it's all a fallacy

Something to fuck your mind

Make you believe of something

So monotone it's saddening

But the point of indoctrination

Is that you become gullible enough

They'd control you like a toy

We hate toys, moldable like rubber

What are toys tho? We talk human

Like.. string toys?

No.. actual humans

What are you even talking about?

Brain fuck, brain yuck

Yikes.. it's a little off

Might need time to cool off

It's all confusing but it works

Might want to move the forks

They seem deadlier than knives

Or maybe it's just the wives

Women are scary, or is it me?

That they can control easily

It really has to be me..

“Please be me, use me”

Fucking simps, kinda like wimp

Shrimp? Stand straight..

Don't wanna stand gay..

Follow along some march

It should've been only 3

What does TQIA+ even means?

Doesn't matter.. children

Just as flexible, dangerous

Don't even think about it..

If you do it I'll sue you

You mean child assault?

Pedophilia..?

No.. political influence

Don't put your propaganda

They have nothing to do with it

It's disrespectful and delusional

Maybe get a girlfriend..

But that has an “-end” no?

Yeah.. because fri-end does too

Stfu.. who am I talking to?

It's just me, perception!

In reality there's more than me

It's actually a lot more

I foresee.. because I saw

What..? Uhh indoctrination

Political beliefs..

Gay propaganda

Child influence

It all sucks, I hate this world

Have friends, and uhh..

Make them believe what you like

Make them think what you think

It's delusional.. life is delusional

I am life, hi

Rants
Written in character — exaggerated for satire

Ban communication

A rat canal for the blind

Care too much about crime

Do nothing to stop whines

It's all related to propaganda

Listen to the TV.. might do you well

Follow them like a sheep

One day you'll be different

Right now you're no one

You are one of a kind

A kind of retarded I mean

The kind to have no personality

They say it's anormality

Be special, different than the rest

Suddenly a weirdo, freak

At least I don't touch them kids

Notice the pattern.. is the sheep

They are the problem

Too brainwashed to see

The ones who say, the ones who do

Using themselves as examples

Of what they can't do..

But they do it anyway

What's the point?

Pain causes pain

Does no one care to read?

Read between the lines

They're too dazed to think..

It's the opposites fault!

Definitely not anti propaganda

It's not about politics, it never was..

TV news is the problem..

Ban communication

It might solve the rat problem

Rants
A rant in metaphor

The morning tastes red

Because the Police forgot.

A case never taken.

Like missing children in the news.

Might be living under a bus.

Wine ages.. milk doesn't.

Can't wait forever.

Time is running out.

Life is limited, like supplies.

Love is missing.

Love lagoons are illegal..

Mistaken for a different kind.

They think I'm not fine..

Drop the diagnosis I'm fine.

That's a lot of words..

I don't believe any of it.

An unfinished bird nest.

I'm made out of metal..

Pour some Mercury on me.

The thrill of being caught.

I'm doing nothing wrong.

It's my right to be free...

I wanna be a circle..

Not a square.

The red seems too fancy for myself.

I wear it all inside..

Tearing myself proves it.

I'm a moving robot..

Too mechanical to use electricity.

My favorite color is salty.

My eyes are sweating.

My head.. is okay.

Feeling uneasy about last tomorrow.

What will have happened?

The morning tastes red.

Everything is red..

I don't like red anymore.

Paint it black is a song.

But I don't see it all bright..

I see it gray.. all gray.

A sunny day with happy people.

They live in ignorance..

They don't know reality.

Spill the milk, who's going to clean it?

Give a second chance,

it's going to disappoint you.

Look far enough to see nothing.

Rants

No second chances

Life gives no second chances.

May be living in a trance.

The feeling of discomfort.

You never felt any better.

Reality is a shame to be.

Try wearing pink, incel.

Tomorrow will be worse.

Underpaying bills.. tax fraud.

Trying to do better, lie..

I see something with my eye.

I'm blind. I see black.

Use a magnifying glass..

It might be useless too.

I'm looking for someone who cares.

Be good just to be cheated on.

The best version of yourself!

And it didn't even try.

A broken record, always.

I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine over where..

The night isn't dark enough.

Look under the pillow.

Maybe there I give a fuck.

Find the right person..

To ignore, it was I.

A door that opens by closing it.

It was better before it changed.

Habit.

Eat crumbles of the same glass.

Maybe lying isn't that bad.

The end is just the start of the other end..

A self sustaining self destructive machine!

Rants
Written in character — exaggerated for satire

Rant time o' clock

I don't feel good..

It might be the food

Not it's just the mood

Hope it's not rude

I fucking hate it all

Fucking bait you all

Easily made you fall

You didn't make the call

It's all about my being contradictory as shit

Or something that makes you sound like a bitch

I have highstandards that hit like a kick

But that's the deal no? That's what they like about me.

It's the top rank of the dealer-shit

Make the marketing for a resource pack sheet

A work of art they say while I say it's shit

Maybe I should stop using the word shit..

Fuck shit fuck and fuckity shit

I say whatever I want, I don't care about shit..

Rhymes don't matter, I really don't like times

Timezones, who thought that was a good idea?

He's in tomorrow and the other is in yesterday, how..?

I'll blow their brains out..

Just use the same time it's rant time o' clock

Rat Vine, rat line? Rat lime

I know it does sound fat

I don't like wearing hats..

I don't think your care about that

But why even learn math?

Stuff we rarely use after school..

Yes I'll get scammed willingly, I'm a fool

I ate enough now I'm full, full of shit

I'm tired, what's the point?

Scramble my joints?

They say a bunny does boing

Or where are they going?

I don't really want to join

Rhymes and whines

Just stop trying at this point

You're just lying.. don't disappoint

Rants
Written in character — exaggerated for satire

Not a sheep

Obedience, Independence

Something learned to be out of range

No one helps it, want to make it fit

It doesn't work that way I'm saying it

I'm telling you, it's not worth it

Neither things are made for it

Obedience, always listening..

Fitting in? Sinking in? Forget it

It's a systematic failure

One against the nature

that's something I'm sure

hear “try thinking offshore”

Why would that help?

What the fuck is kelp?

Dissosiation leaves you empty

Going there is nonsense welp

Wanting to be free

Pricings going spree

My life is worth more than a spring

Mind you I don't like to follow the string

The usual life, the normal day

One thing I learned to avoid

Normality makes me feel void

“Better feeling” more like boring

But what do they know?

They only know to show

The hive mind of being.. how?

A sheep in a herd of cows

Get a brain, try propane

It might explode, yeah that's gay

Don't get laid, find a plane

Escape this place it's the only way

I am going insane, better than being sane

I think they are trying to snatch my brain

No I'm free, now I flee

They can't get me, I'm not a sheep

Rants

Illogical hate

Just because I complain

don't mean I ain't got no taste

critical, literal, I know you're fazed

the point I make is the one to take

but others really think I am a fake

I've been here I know what it takes

so shut the hell up and don't waste

my time on illogical hate.

I know what I am and know what I like

unlike you, I don't like much many things

just too I can't find things that you like

I write what I like or might just don't like

I am an open minded but have my contraints

I know you don't like it but I am not gonna faint

maybe you are weak about it

cry baby can't see a thought hit

navy has got less doubters

but when I spell out it

you can't see it routed

June 2026
Deja Vus

Flashes of the future

I can predict the future through dreams and deja vus.

During them I get no say on what happens inside it, I can only feel, smell, see and hear what I am given.

During deja vus they might be quick flashes of the future with a white vignette around, missing information doesn't appear as that's a hole in what I know right now.

In both cases when the event happens, I get a flash of memory that I saw that before in detail.. finally the details that were missing or obfuscated are clearly visible.

The spans could be weeks, months and even years.. with the longest gap being 2 years and shortest being a single week.

But I can't guess when I predict the future, so that's the reason why it makes me mad, I don't know when one of these thoughts of dreams will actually happen and when they do I am blown away.

My family has it in different ways.. with my mom having premonitory dreams, weather report in her resentful hand, stomach sensations, as well as my brother having the stomach sensations but for worries of something bad.

Deja Vus
Written first, recognised after

Beat you thrice

…impossible to win, sometimes even repeating the same player over and over until you go back where you started..

You could beat every single one and suddenly the one who beat you thrice appears again, while also taking twice the amount of ELO that you earned last match.

Yes… it happened again, something that I remember seeing in a memory or a dream… I just wrote this, I didn't plan any of it, but now it hits that it was a future prediction.

Deja Vus
A future dream — already happened

The textures

Just to keep this around.. yesterday morning I dreamed I was making textures, I forgot exactly what the textures were, might be leaves, I know it hasn't happened yet but the view was very specific.

I was looking at nodes and the side parameters, setting up the name of the files, the other screen was visible, might've been a music video but I didn't have sound info this time, just a very high contrast vision, very bright to the point it was hard to see the screens.

Deja Vus
A future dream — two days later

The Simpsons short

I literally had another one of those moments.. I saw this before, it was a Simpsons short while I pee, the text, everything.. not fuzzy at all, but I recall thinking something, maybe it was me during the future dream thinking in real time.

I literally had that dream two days ago, the video was the same, everything was the same.. how do you even predict a YouTube short? Out of anything that could come out, my dream specifically had Ned saying words and the subtitles matched the dream.

Deja Vus
Deja vu

Not really no

Really.. a deja vu? Just now? How was I supposed to notice..?

But here's the thing, it happened just how I remember, I was listening to Itsudemo I Love You in the background as I was typing “not really no” as a response tweet, I didn't see the tweet I was replying to back then, but now I see the rest of the image and wow... how..!?

Sleep paralysis

That was my dream hand

God.. this feeling is horrible.

Being in between sleeping and awake.

Had a quick dream about some scene where I couldn't tell if it was real or not, had to hide from cops while being literally at the center of the room.

The next dream I got stabbed multiple times, some made up lyrics for an Eminem song.

I woke up, I didn't know where my hand was, I didn't feel like hand. I moved my hand, reached to pick my phone.. that was my dream hand... I had to do harder to move my actual hand that was rolled somewhere.

Sleep paralysis

Launched to space

That was such a weird feeling.. I was dreaming of something, a low end laptop, installing some specific version of Fortnite because the laptop wouldn't handle the base one, then suddenly I'm launched to space off bounds.. I woke up just in case cause you never know.

I don't know, at this point I can predict those events of paralysis, but there was some weird aura throughout the dream, like a big head staring, I was probably going to get jumpscared by it at some point in the dream.

Sleep paralysis
A study

Testing the limits

I just had a sleep paralysis, but I wasn't scared of it, I tried to call my brother but there's the catch..

I used enough strength to open my mouth but no I didn't actually call even tho I heard it, so when I finally did I got freed.. that was a waste, I was comfortable too.

The rain sounds outside were so loud. And my room looked pretty tainted, there was a glowing light in something at the top left corner of my door that was pretty weird to look at, my vision was pretty distorted too because I was seeing in 19:6 lol.

I couldn't get anything else sadly other than weird noises. I didn't want to fully wake up, I actually wanted to keep sleeping but I tried to test out the limits.

Annoyingly there's a threshold of strength and that includes voice. I suppose that's muscles moving too.

The weakness is crazy too, I needed so much willpower just to open my mouth because when I talked I actually had my mouth closed at first and that's why I thought it was my mind, then I actually opened my mouth but it was still my mind.. and when I finally talked, I woke out of it.

I'll not try to talk again during a sleep paralysis I suppose.

But funny enough I can talk and hear myself like I talked, so I can basically talk loud but just to myself.. not like a thought.

Sleep paralysis
With a dream inside

Huh huh huh huh

So my brain created a quick dream for my paralysis?

I was just lying in bed to wake up slowly, but it seems I actually fell asleep, in the dream mom told me that there's a ongoing argument and to tell her if I see anything.

When I was lying in bed I start hearing “huh huh huh huh” men encouraging a fight, but I couldn't get up, it was the paralysis, I wanted to go fast to be able to record it, there was screams of the two women and even hear a bump of a car, I guess one of them won but I missed the fight because I woke up in real life when I finally could.

Sleep paralysis

Fake waking up

Bleh... dreams are too real, I was playing and saw someone staring at the distance in game.. I ran to hide because I was scared of being shot... I felt my ears drumming and my heart pounding harder, then I woke up..

I woke up at my grandma's couch, not my bed, the sound was turning unbearable, I thought someone was staring me at the hallway... then I woke up with the annoying sounds in my ear and my heart pounding.

Huff.. I worried of getting shot, I thought I was about to get shot at my grandma's too, I was also half awake because I know I wasn't awake, I was at my grandma's couch and thought my bed is not comfortable, it's very weird how detailed I can be, I felt the texture of the rough cloth.. compared to the silk in my bed covers.

I was actually at my house and I woke up from the dream.

Sleep paralysis

Fake earthquake

So so weird, I was trying to sleep, I was about to dream something.. I forgot what it was, but I was half awake half asleep, in the half awake side I started to hear the rumble, everything shaking and I was like “ugh.. why now?”

It felt like an about 5° earthquake.. it lasted for like 20s and then it lowered to about 3.. for 10s and then it went high again and when it stopped I thought I was vibrating.. I woke up and checked, nothing.. it was my sleep paralysis.

It just felt too real and I wanted to see if there was any info about rumbles right now.

Sleep paralysis

Dream to paralysis

It's been years since I had a sleep paralysis, I didn't even fully sleep.. I had a quick dream, was playing Phasmophobia VR (what I played last night).

I was at the truck while my friend was inside the house, I was gonna tell him what ghost it was, but then I hear click, the front door locked, the ghost started hunting.. I could hear the walkie static noises when I tried to tell him, but when I went out of the truck.. the ghost was there, in a semi invisible form.. it was the pajama girl crawling in 4s.. how tf..

I screamed IT'S OUTSIDE, THE GHOST IS OUTSIDE but he was locked inside and couldn't hear through the walkie.. then she started hunting and caught me because I was literally in front of her.

Then I finally woke up and I couldn't move.. I thought I was being stared at and said “fucking piece of shit..” I was paralized, and I don't think my words even came out, but I tried to move and stay awake, I didn't even feel like I was moving until I got out, it's like my whole body goes numb in sensations, so I had no idea if I moved an inch.. but it was heavy.. hard, and now I'm complaining.

Sleep paralysis
More paralysis analysis

Something is wrong

I know there's something wrong, it wasn't a paralysis stuff, but it felt similar, I started to hear this low pitch noise like strings instrument.. ominous ambience, my gut feeling was that something is wrong, everything looked really dark, and I got imageries that were scary or gory.

Biography
Where the story starts

The friend

One of my hottest experiences so far was talking to a friend of my partner. She would be flirty and suggestive, the kind of girl I like, compared to the person I was with at the time.

One time she mentioned wanting to test if a kiss would leave her black lipstick on my lips. That feeling in my stomach will stay with me. Or the time she asked if I wanted to see her breasts.

I never did anything with that girl but it was very hot. The contrast. Having a catfisher narcissistic person as a partner is a nono, specially when they lie about their sex. I would have been fine if they were honest from the beginning.

Three wasted years. I learned so much from that though, so I became a better me at the cost of my time.

January 2025
Biography

The clutch

The friend of that piece of shit was an alt girl who I never got the chance of seeing the face of, but she was way better in every way. I should have thrown it all for her honestly.

She had a rock band and played drums, she seemed so nice and honest with me, but in reality she was actually very shy and introverted, which to me made her way more adorable. I used to take her as my little sister. She did like me, I am very sure of that.

At some point in my relationship I could not get much off of that piece of shit, so she came to me with the idea of being the “clutch”, like a temporary or fake girlfriend. I talked a lot with her during that period, that is where she would flirt and be basically the best girlfriend ever.

She was not like a dog or someone who needed as much attention. We had a pretty honest bond, neither was deprived of anything, we treated each other the same way. It was very cute because I could talk with her about anything. The talks would easily drift into flirting because we both felt very touching to each other. It was like fire with fire.

January 2025
Biography

The rules I gave her

She liked me and was close to me because I taught her a lot of things. I used to call her little sister, but really I was treating her like I was her father. I used to put rules for her to behave, like lying.

Lying is bad, it hurts more than the truth.

If you hide something from me, I will find out.

I can read your answer from how you respond, even if you lie.

So she became basically honest. She could not fight me because I would comfort her instead. Since I learned that much about manipulation and lies, her lies were easy to guess for me. I would not punish her for it though, I was quiet about my guesses. The rule was that I wanted her to be honest and I would solve her conflicts.

January 2025
Biography

The red heart

The one time I felt very happy was when she started using red hearts unlike the black hearts she usually uses.

When we parted conversations we would end with “I love you” and she would reply “I love you too big brother”. And at some point, when things started to go downhill and heated, she said “I love you Joaquin” with a red heart.

From there the situation started to get hot. She was getting bolder, since now she was onto me like a prey. She would send me kiss gifs instead of hug gifs. It started with “what if it was in the lips?” and instead of sending a forehead kiss, she sent that.

She was turning more flirty and I caught that, because she was doing it behind my partner’s back.

February 2025
Biography

The dark part

She was in the past a girlfriend of the piece of shit who pretended to be a girl for me, apparently he was with her a few years before I met him. Even though they broke up she seemed to still have a connection with him, and since you already know he is narcissistic and manipulative, she stayed.

I met this girl when she was flirting with him in his family’s server. They would call it “playing” but I knew something was up. They created a lie that he got her a home when she was in need, because her parents beat her up and treated her bad, court stuff. I do not buy it anymore.

She was still clinging to him, and I was his partner. Problem, solution. She suggested that I break up with him to be with her. Or that I break up with him so she can be with him.

She was getting to the breaking point of crying and trying to manipulate him into breaking up with me, with intimate photos and suggestive messages. It was such a deep and psychopathic period.

After I decided to stay with him, she just suppressed her feelings, her attitude did a 180 and it was lost. That is the depressing part.

Both of them were working me at once, from different directions, and I went to her for comfort about him.

February 2025
Biography

What I had already guessed

I had my guesses already. Talking too much about lesbian stuff, lesbian sex, things he does not know about. I catch that, I am not stupid, I have a mother of my own. He lied saying he lived around girls all the time, also a lie, he only had one little sister and his mother, the rest were all men like him.

The fact that he set a requirement for me to meet “her” and it involved a surgery, about changing his clothes, changing his look, wanting to look “better”.

The part that made me guess it instantly was when that girl asked if I would be okay dating a person that is not a girl, like a trans. She said it was just a question, but unlike the rest of our talks where it was curiosity, this one seemed more like a test question. And I caught it instantly.

Then she tried to blackmail me using herself to keep me with that person, saying that if I break up with him she will not talk with me anymore, or that I would be a bad person if I do.

Early March 2025
Biography
The reveal

When it broke

Because she clung to him she was pretty much a dog, and I am not joking. Loyal, does what he says, it does not matter when, even if sexual. So when it all broke down, everything shattered for me. All my suspicions, my hatred.

I asked one real question. Did you have sex with her? He brushed it off. Did you have sex with him? She tried to lie but I essentially got the answer. Every time he mentioned having to have sex with her off of depression, I would have thought it was girl on girl. I was fine with that as long as it was that, but not anymore. The imagery was sickening. I was dead inside by that point.

The day he revealed the big secret I brushed it off as a phew, I was right. He was worried I might leave, but I needed more time to even process it myself. I said I cannot tell you yet, so you can go sleep, I need some time to think about it.

When I talked to her about it I basically melted myself. I was pure honest, I felt like I was about to puke with the countless images in my mind coming like a bullet train, I was panicking. She noticed that, and at first she was comforting me and saying I was right for feeling wrong. And when she noticed I was about to go south, she started to reassure me to make the moment seem like a positive, that there are good things from it.

After that she started taking different approaches. First reassure me, then blackmail me, then guilt trap me, then try to manipulate me. It was a step process of trying to control me, which none of them work because by that point I could read between lines.

I was done for. I took more free time off of that piece of shit and suffered alone. It was not about me caught in a web anymore. I was mourning from that day on.

March 15, 2025
Biography

Loading the mag

What I did in my time before leaving was manipulate back. Not the same way, but pretending I was accepting him back, and planning things, making him hopeful of my stay. I was saving any reason to break up, like loading a mag with piercing bullets.

I simply had to adjust to living without dependency. I was on my own, trying to reclaim my life. I did not care about anything anymore so why bother about bothering about him.

He would try to fight me and make it sound like I was not being a good partner and that I should do better, when the reasons were always one sided and the horrible partner was him all along. I clinged to those fights to add more reasons to the big message.

He said I was toxic and manipulative, and I would love to hold a mirror on him for that, but I was pretending to stay so I did not. I just added it to the message.

April 2025
Biography
The message is in Chronology

Two seconds

The reason he was pushing me was that he started to notice my shift. He knew that if he did not find a way to manipulate me it was over, and he was already pushing the threat of if you do not change we are done. I did not take it lightly. That is when I sent the big testament.

He did not take more than two seconds to even read. I saw the is typing instantly and I blocked him.

Because you already know what is coming out of that, nothing useful. He was only going to try and shift the blame and make it sound like I am overreacting.

Late April 2025
Biography

The Instagram post

Then the girl tried to blame me and say it is my fault, everything that happened.

Later on I found a post of her on Instagram. It was the drawing I made for her, and she commented on her own post that I was toxic and a manipulator and hurt her friend. That was funny to me so I replied with something like “Mhm, yeah that is who I am, definitely.” She tried to say I hurt him, and I said to go to DMs.

By that point I was done with the plays so it was quick. I tried to frame myself as a hero really. Hopefully he bought my testament. Some way of brushing off my feelings and saying I was trying to protect him by giving a reason to hate me. I lied hard. That I hope he is doing okay and that I will not apologize for anything.

I added how he is no more than a liar and manipulator, and that if anyone ends up with that person I hope they are strong enough to see through him. She tried to frame it back at me saying she is sorry that I am such an asshole and that I am a bad person. She does not know how to insult so it just comes off as petty to me.

I blocked her after proving myself. I was right, and it does not matter how deep in the rabbit hole she is, she will not come out of it.

The drawing is in Memories. It is still mine.

Late April 2025
Biography

The chat list

I can look at it as just a part of my broken past, which I have plenty of with relationships like these. This was just the longest one and it broke me quite a lot, but I never lost myself so I do not see the problem.

After the break up I was feeling numb and also missing something. I was expecting a message to come by every day, checking the chat list like something was going to come up. Nothing would. Other people would easily try to rush back into that toxic relationship because of the missing sense of normality. I did not.

In showers I would talk to myself and reassure myself, saying that he was bad and none of it was my fault, that it is okay to miss that because you are just used to the habit, but he is not good for me and that it takes time to move on.

At some point I stopped checking the chat list or thinking about him.

May 2025
Biography

Ten girls at once

It all happened at the end of a month, and the start of the next I downloaded Threads. In hindsight, Telegram for kids. It is a social media where you find any type of delusion, most posts are baits, or some sort of validation seeking, attention seeking, looking for friends. It all looked so disposable.

And yeah they are. I got ten girls to talk with, all at the same time. An Indian guy who I thought was a girl, he laughed it off and still wanted to be friends. A Japanese girl who was just spending time on her phone to pass time in class. A dark girl who seemed very impatient and chaotic, she broke up with someone recently and is very paranoid about people, I quit quickly.

Purva, 21, living alone and going to university, very flirty at first, but the more days passed she basically disappeared. Said after exams she would be there more often. She was not. I blocked her after like a week.

The Polish girl, in Germany transferred for a temporary job. Her father is abusive, court thing. We played Minecraft together and she told me how to say I love you in Polish. I forgot.

One UK girl living in the house of her ex, saying the relationship was sibling like but unable to not mention their sexual life. Hypersexual, past trauma, I guessed it.

The other UK girl, 149cm, into anime and Star Wars and very geeky, 23, used to call me baby or youngling even though she was only one year older. Works at a hospital, lives with her parents. When I opened up to her she was incredibly nice about it but could not accept me because she does not like long distance. It is fine. She is still there.

May 2025
Biography
Where it ends

Filling a gap

One friend framed it perfectly.

Are you sure you need this, or is it just that you are trying to fill a gap?

He was right. I was just trying to fill a gap, and in that time I was also going through moving on. I was getting used to being by myself and not relying on anyone.

So even if none of the girls worked out, I ended up finding my own peace.

Everything in this account was already in the fragments before I knew any of it. The plot holes are in Decide yourself, from January. The one sidedness is in The list, from October. The suspicion is in I am not stupid, from September.

What the biography adds is the second angle, because the fragments only ever show one person working me.

June 2025
Biography

Conclusion

I’ve made a lot of mistakes over the years. I took decisions that I still regret, done things I don’t forget.

But what stayed with me up to this point is to accept that I am human, and that’s the beauty of it. Making mistakes that I can own, calling out on my own contradictions, but still being honest about me.

I started my journey in 2020, but I have actually been on the internet for longer. I met so many people that were part of my life, some stayed for longer than others, and I lied.. a lot. Because I was young, younger than I am now, and I still find my own past to be very embarrassing.

It was in 2020 and onwards that I grew my own mentality, this sense of right or wrong.

What is right if there’s no wrong?

Well.. I was taught this important lesson when I was 13:

Do not tell me a lie. If you want people to trust you, be honest even if it hurts.

It was my math professor. That single line shaped my life ever since, and I never lied again.. even when I could and had a chance.

So to me, the mistakes that I’ve done in the past are not something to forget and replace with lies, but something I should account for. The things I did and will do, I can’t undo them.

Why does this matter? Because I don’t believe I am a hero, but I am also not a bad person.

I love people. Chaos is what makes this world beautiful, not perfection.

So love, be loved and don’t stop believing.

Memories

The dap at the gate

In late 2023 my brother moved to another country. We escorted him to the airport and waited with him.

When he had to go to his gate, we greeted and did one thing.. a dap.

That single moment stuck to my head as a memory I’ll hold dearly because of the sheer impact it has. The clap of palms made such a loud sound that echoed through the entire airport and we got surprised, even the security guards freaked out.

I’ll never forget this memory.

Late 2023
Memories

Seven thousand

In January I started to feel very down. I lost all motivation, nothing made me happy. I even bought my own phone at that time and I was eh about it. My own money went into my own latest gen phone, newly released, and I still wasn’t impressed.

That’s when I looked at my earnings. All time, 7000USD. That’s so much money I’ve made, alone.

My mom was in her room, my brother was in Chile, and I was alone. I looked around because I didn’t know how to react. And I did cry, because I was happy, and at the same time I was sad because there was no one around me.

The phone is the part that told me something was wrong. Latest generation, paid for with my own work, and it did nothing for me. The problem was never the lack of things.

Before I could fall into actual depression I told my mom I wasn’t feeling right. I needed a change of space.

January 2024
Memories
Following “Seven thousand”

The empty house

I had been saying I wanted to live in Chile since March 2023, and the idea was there since 2022 because my brother brought it up. He went first, in late 2023, and was there alone for four or five months.

So I saved up money and moved in with him. He had just moved into this small house and it was pretty empty, also pretty dirty because no one swept the floor. We had no gas for the kitchen we had just bought, and the fridge we had just bought was empty too.

That day felt so strange. I just followed my brother around, and somehow I felt better in this new place. Waking up, fresh air, near the beach, and if I wanted something the store was just across the street. It was nice.

Nothing about that house was comfortable and it worked anyway. It was not the house, it was that I was not alone in it.

Early 2024
Memories
Following “The empty house”

Then everyone else

I went back home three months after, because I only had the tourist position. That time I brought my mom. Why? Well, I wouldn’t leave my mom alone, would I?

The next time, I brought my cats. It was a pain in the ass.

Ever since, we’ve been living in Chile with the cats and all. My entire family. I paid the bills and rent myself, then my brother did, and now I am back paying it myself.

And I feel fulfilled.

The order is the part I would keep. I did not take everyone at once and I did not stay behind for them either. I fixed my own state first, then brought everyone I am responsible for into the better place with me.

2024 onward
Memories
Also filed under Chronology

The drawing

A drawing of a character with horns and wings, seated, in purple tones.

A drawing I made for someone who I trusted and wasn't who I thought she was.

I hold this drawing dearly despite the circumstances because I made it with a purpose. I put love, my time and effort into drawing this in a moment where I was most vulnerable in.

So.. whoever taints it, doesn't deserve to keep it.

February 2025
Memories

Nine viewers in two seconds

At some point my brother was streaming a game, he told me to replace him while he was in the bathroom, I did a girl voice high pitch and stuff, the viewers count went up to 20.. and lots of comments.

When he came back I said “I have something to tell you... *changes voice back* I'm not a girl, I'm a guy”.

There were comments like ‘no it can't be, I wanted to marry you’, ‘I hope you're lying’, ‘I can't believe this’...

The view count went down to 9 in 2 seconds.

Dreams

The earth was rotated

That was such a weird dream.

I was in a car and going home (why is home always my grandma's house?)

The thing is that I was feeling it weird.. every turn felt weird, I was in the backseat, every time the car turned.. it was like the entire planet turned.

When I was home, I told mom something was off, and I looked out the window.. sunset, the sun was going down fast.. like the planet was tiny, I saw it go down the horizon and I sighed in relief, it was in vain quickly because I started to see the horizon shine again.. the sun was coming out from the same side but slightly to the left...

I turned to my mom and quickly explained to her that the earth was rotated.. used my hands to describe that we're at the top poles, it shouldn't be like that.

The day after I was walking outside and it all felt more like a Minecraft world.. I saw some nice plants and said “see? That's how the game would look like if they actually put enough effort into it” — it was a bunch of plants with different textures while the shadows casted SSS in them.

The dream ended there.

Dreams

A tooth

Can the teeth fall off from eating too much?

Eh.. I think it was just the dream, in the dream I ate a lot of sugar and when got home I found what I was munching on, a tooth.

I feel my teeth are tattered in place, it was just a false alarm.. more when I don't even eat much during the day and only eat sugar for breakfast.

Dreams

Songs that don't exist

I woke up a little linguistic lol.

I was dreaming on this idea of a game that has mixing songs and accents for whatever you do.

Thing is that I was creating lyrics in both Spanish and English for songs that don't exist.

My life is over, it's turning over I can see it turning around towards the dark and I'm losing
Si la vida tiene un sentido, yo solo lo siento vacío, cuando llego a casa solo pienso que ya no hay un camino

Ofc it doesn't sound like anything as sparse words because on the instrumental it did fit. Accents in English saying “die, fight, all night” and stuff like that.

The Spanish part sounds more like old chamamé or folklore songs, sometimes mixing in a more modern tone.. each song was different, some were rock based, others were more funny and cheerful.

Imagine a mini game where you have to jump and the floor is lava raising up.

Jump, jump up.. higher!
Don't look back, don't look down
We must go higher it is all that matters, the way that life is leaving only shatters
Arriba, la vida sigue adelante, el cielo lo puedo tocar sin andante
Cuando toque las nubes y las aves me nublen, voy a seguir adelante
Dreams

The school that wasn't

Interesting dream, I was at a classroom sitting with this girl, we were kissing and doing something that could've been considered sex, but it was actually something weird because she was putting shit inside my rectum.. which idk how that works but it's A dream and it somehow felt good.

The class ended so everyone started leaving and I had to quickly get dressed, I covered myself with the big jacket of the school and she left, I asked to go to the bathroom because I didn't feel well, and I had to go to a door at the very end of the room.

It actually led to some open room like the entrance of a train station with the tickets and stuff, where you gotta identify yourself to pass, there was teachers using cards and students passing from coins. They basically pay to go to the bathroom.

One teacher helped me with a chuckle, and by then the stuff of the wanting to go to the bathroom disappeared and I was dressed somehow.. now the plot was that I had to go to something like theatre class or acting I don't even know and the school was new to me.

I walked up the stairs and the floor was slippery, I ran and the speed accumulated.. I literally slammed to a wall and walked to the stairs mentioning that “I didn't take into account the momentum..” — even in dreams I think like this.

It was very abstract for a school, nothing looked proper because I don't think it was a school lol, more like a made up place.

I see Robert Downey Jr and he's with some boys, tell him I have to go to acting class but I'm so lost I've never been here, he tells me where and looks pretty frustrated for something.

The dream ended there.

Dreams

Poor Zenitsu

I had two dreams, but I can only remember one.

We were at the school football yard, in there they make events and stuff, all classes were there, and we were told to go to our classroom, what's funny is that we didn't go in line organized, everyone left from any random place and entered like chickens from everywhere.

I wasn't even dressed I had just a shirt and underwear, my brother was there for some reason.

We were slacking in the classroom with our phones even tho phones are not allowed, I was telling my brother about one scene in the demon slayer manga.

“Poor Zenitsu, he just wanted to play but neither wanted to play with him”

Zenitsu: Hey nezuko-chan, would you like to play with me after this?

Nezuko: I'm sorry Zenitsu but I have my brother.

Zenitsu: Hey Tanjiro-kun, would you like to play after this?

Tanjiro: I'm sorry Zenitsu but I have my sister.

Then I see my mom approaching, what is she doing.. she brought my backpack and it has some clothes, I needed pants but there's only denim shorts, the only pants were tight ones I couldn't fit because they're skinnier than me.

But then I see someone in an armor set at the entrance of the school that's prob Zenitsu but since I didn't read the manga I couldn't tell you lol, that's what my mind thinks.

My mom rushed me to pick one up and I picked the tight one and the dream ended.

Dreams

Two GTA stars

The dream was that I was in a car, I was gonna park and I didn't know how to control the gears, it didn't look like the usual gear lever.

So I was trying to go reverse but it'd go 2nd gear, I stop.. oh there's a police car parking there, I can't park there I should move somewhere, I go reverse and oh nvm.. the road is one way and it's the opposite, I have to maneuver to turn again and there's a car waiting because I'm blocking the road.

I don't remember what I did but police started to chase me, think I bumped into a police car.

So I flee, I saw 2 GTA stars at the top and I tried to hide, I clipped into a building and the stars went away.

Dreams

The phone shattered

I've had so many dreams today too.

I woke up by an alarm I set, and found my phone on the floor screen down.. I got scared but I think it didn't crack.

But the dream was all about that, that I looked at the phone and I was so sad about it, it had a long crack across the screen, then when I held it, it shattered all over. I simply was devastated, I didn't know what to do, I really liked the phone.. I had to take the other phone...

The next dream I forgot already.

Oh yeah.. I have some scattered memories, last dream I was at home, father (no longer) left us with his baby, some guy in a tiny green car arrived, apparently mom's bf, he was pretty ugly.

Another dream, girl involved.. was scrolling through and saw a video that made me feel stuff, some smile girl kissing the boy one, two.. six times and I showed it to her, said I wanted to do that. I forgot if she did it or the dream ended.

There's a background music I heard in the dream but I can't remember what it was from, a piano song.. I know it's from a game, now finding the game is pretty much impossible and I'm lead to believe I invented the song.

Dreams

Vida Ingrata, remixed

I was at my old house in Argentina and I was serving some coke.. some song starts playing but the instrumental sounds different, my brother asks why, I tell him “yeah, it's one of those modern versions of the song that people these days listen to, it's not as good as the original” and the lyrics say:

Aquí me ven nadando en este engrudo donde solo hay lugar para el más rudo, te ensartan con la ley del embudo, lo ancho para ellos y lo angosto para uno

The song Vida Ingrata by Cuarteto de Nos.

Only the instrumental side changed to be more pop like or calm.. which kind of annoyed me.

Dreams

The login screen

Was going to a restaurant with my brother and mom, we didn't go to any of the tables, we went to the inside, a long table with lots of plates, I was looking where to sit, saw that there's some who didn't eat anything, but didn't take them for myself, the room looked like a large kitchen but there was only the sink and plates on the countertop.

The waitress offered me if I wanted to finish a plate full of ravioli and I declined, I walked to the back of the room which was like a long corridor, on the left there was the kitchen.

At the very end... my house?

There was some people still like zombies, I was told something like I wouldn't be able to be like these people or something, about romance, that this guy that looks like a 90s generic bully gets all the bitches and I don't, I hear commercials on the TV at the bedroom at the very end of the house, there's the TV with cable.. but it needs log in, I log in and:

You're unable to login due to controversy around Talia Kirkby, their death and—

I didn't read the rest.

Tf you mean, I've heard of death, it was in another dream before this.. but when I woke up I was like.. “he didn't die???” His account is still there, still catching prays to manipulate, no he didn't die at all.

Before I woke up I had some guilt about his death which is pretty wrong considering I was a victim and I was actually being used and manipulated through lies and deceit, it seems that was the reaction it wanted from me, specially with being at my Argentina house and not Chile.

Dreams

The dog and the rabbit

I hate when my dreams go into gore...

It's uncomfortable.

The dream was fine, we were buying stuff and food and in the way back mom was complaining that she's always the one carrying everything, I tell her to give me one of the bags and she refuses and says “now when it's convenient you change your mind right?”

We just walk and I see a dog barking at a rabbit, it's missing a leg.. the rabbit it's inside and the dog is outside the iron bars, I see something at the other side and think “oh that's the leg” and it was moving on it's own.. no.

It was a dog jumping on only two legs of one side.. skinned out and basically half the body open.. I was stunned and after a minute of witnessing that thing.. I saw a nail hanging up high, the dog tried to chase the rabbit as it jumped off the wall and the dog snatched that nail and running ripped him like a plushie..

I told mom to go before I feel bad about it.

Dreams

A city like 2060

The next dream I had I couldn't even type it out because I couldn't stay awake, I was having such a hard time.. it felt like passing out but in a good way because it was so comfortable omg my bed is so good waaaaaaaa

I was walking on a city and apparently I was going to a hotel, but I was wearing dirty clothes, and I was homeless for some reason.

I saw stores and stuff but I forgot what was there, there were big trees and the city looked pretty 2060, with highways or some stuff like bridges over the buildings with more buildings on those bridges.

I was about to reach to the end of the street and when I crossed, I saw a man with huge hands, they were pretty cartoony in the way they were pretty inflated. He told me not to tell anyone because it's secret, but then an alarm went off and I ran off.. everyone freaked out at that alarm because it meant like a lockdown or security check.

I was detained and asked what I was doing, they asked me questions I forgot now.. but I quickly made it up into “I am sorry I am not stealing, I am homeless I don't even have a phone but I am not stealing I swear” and after some suspictions they let me off.. and I finally went to the hotel to my family, it was pretty scary because I was all alone and I was a child in that dream.

As for the little map I made, the red are those second layer of buildings that are built over the bridge.. like a second floor, the big company behind that alarm is the gray cube at the top where I saw the man with the big hands.. I suppose they were up to something.

Hand-drawn map of the dream city: black street grid, red lines marking the raised second layer of buildings over the bridges, green trees down the central strip, and a grey block at the top for the company building.
The little map
Dreams
A dream that didn't fit me

The door off its hinges

My brother was in his bedroom and I was looking for something, I don't know if I was already mad or what he said was a breaking point.. I don't remember what he said to me.

But I smashed the door out of the hinges with a kick, told him that he has no right to complain or demand things when he doesn't do shit for the house, all he's got was by me and my mom. I continued with more correct arguments while I destroyed parts of his room. When I was done I grabbed the door and placed it to try and close the gap.

I took a deep breath and mom appeared, she asked if I wanted to go for a walk and I sighed with a grunt. He said something that really hit me.

We talked I don't know about what, the outside was cold, foggy night with lamp posts, I was thinking what I did and I felt a bit guilty.

When we got home, he was shaving his face, then when he saw me he tried to get close with the razor and I shouted that he's trying to kill me. He smiled that he cut part of my bang and I sighed and didn't try to overreact.

In that dream I felt bad because I thought I had anger issues and I could be a problem if I got triggered for simple words. I even got scared of myself and remembered my own father who'd not control his strength.

But the reality is different, in real life we don't hate each other.. Last time we fought or got mad at each other out was dumb when we were young.

I don't know what was going on in that dream's past that my brother was a no life loser, but when I finished the dream I thought.. it was my brother's birthday yesterday, I'm not jealous and I wished I wasn't so tired yesterday, I tried to stay awake as much as I could and make them laugh.

I would never react so hard like that to break doors and drawers. I don't have anger issues, but that dream made me FEEL anger issues. Overreacting to words.. how could I be so foolish.

That's why the rest of the dream it was me thinking about it, it's not me. I don't have anger issues.. And I never did, not even irl.

Dreams

Mi arma

I got another dream where we were leaving school and we were going through the halls and saw mom across, there was both my cousins and my brother.

I sneaked behind my mom and turned around to show her they were across the hall. They started doing some choreo like they were training for something, then two students showed up and they argued, it was to my cousin and his brother was there to back him up.

They started fighting and my brother was behind them watching, it was a 3v2 and when my brother started fighting they started pulling weapons, a pistol, a knife.. SOME GIRL HAD A FUCKING SNIPER, and my brother had a shotgun..(???

With my mom she grabbed me to a different position behind a room with a small window in a bathroom, because she didn't want a bullet accidentally hitting us.

I heard gunshots, then a burst of a pistol.. then after some time, the sniper shot. I doubt it hit anyone but I was thinking the worst.

Finally the principal arrived and they blamed my brother that had a shotgun IN HIS BACKPACK instead of the people with pistols, auto guns and a freaking sniper.. I didn't care I just wanted to see how he looked to know if it was worth waking up.

I imagined it.. he was all beaten up in a corner full of blood, shots in his stomach, they tried to take his shotgun and he was screaming:

¡No, mi arma! ¡Mi arma no! ¡Devuélvanme mi arma! ¡No! ¡No! Mi arma

As he was taken away and they were giving back the other guns instead of taking them away.. I was so mad.

I didn't get to see him because I woke up after that.

Dreams

The lion

Dream today:

Lion, it was scary at first but I tried to befriend it, it was cute.. just a big cat.

My mom did stuff with the lion, can't say it.

Dream cut to a different scene, the lion wasn't there but a cat outside the door.

The cat was a female and wanted attention, I cuddled it and my cats went out to see.. they all got tense but I held the cat before it would attack, another cat came it, smelled the cat and they started to get friendly.

The weird part of the lion is my mom doing stuff with the lion.. when I woke up I started thinking, don't cats have these spines that pretty much destroy lioness insides?

I already forgot but the imagery was my mom and the lion, pretty explicit.

Dreams

Happy birthday

I was at my house, some guy told me to join the game because apparently I was in call all along, I saw the Australian guy in the call, spoke English but he didn't seem to respond so the rest were Spanish, I joined the game and apparently they were losing because I was distracted.

I told the guy happy birthday because I heard some music in his mic. He just kept playing, when I left the PC I was at his house and there was a lot of party and food and all.

I went to the back where the cook was and told him the pizza was amazing, he thanked me and I gave him the rest of the pizza slice I had as I grabbed a new full slice.

The dream ended there.

Dreams

The island

Me in a car with my brother, we were going to a vacation house, at first it was just a trip thing.. then my brother just found out that it was just us in the island with the owner and he started to ram houses and destroy em, there was a storm coming, that's why the people left.. a tsunami coming from behind taking over the entire island, didn't see the rest.

Dreams

It was the fan

That's one hell of a way to wake me up..

So I was dreaming about being at some apartment, I ate a 30cm chicken sandwich, while looking down the city, I was with 4 people.. talking about a heist, planning when to go and stuff, the next sandwich was a 30cm with salami and cheese, but the heist people suddenly got replaced by my family, my mom and aunt.

I said I couldn't finish my sandwich and my aunt said she would eat it, my mom was planning how we'd go, I'll go the day tomorrow with my aunt and she stays for another day, she'll buy some stuff and all them come back.

Must be the dream before but I remember being at my Argentina house at some point.

I go down the apartment and I begin to skip, I accumulate speed and at some point I go so fast.. I can confirm I can go that fast irl but not so effortlessly and I'd have to hop differently.

I start to hear that emergency alarm in my pocket, very faint.. I think “must be just an earthquake” and I get scared because it doesn't stop.. so I actually think it's irl, I quickly wake up just to check my phone and nothing..

Guess, it was the fucking sound the fan was making.. but my mind distorted it and made it high pitch like the alarm.

Dreams

Both at the same time

Huh that's interesting, a dream where I connected an English friend with a Spanish friend, I planned on doing that and when I woke up they were in a VC.. I thought Valorant, but I see my notifications and the English friend goes:

I'm sorry but just to let you know I am in a call with one of your friends

We're playing old DMC games because they're cool

If you are not okay with that I'll understand

And I responded with “no, it means I'll be able to play with both at the same time”.

Dreams

The gray cat

Weird dream.. so I was at a beach with my brother, we were across my aunt's house, we had to go home so I picked the beach chair and we walked on the sand, my brother saw a cat and wanted to pick it up, I gave him a cat lead and he took the cat, told him that last time the cat we had escaped because we didn't have a lead.

Saw a playground at the beach, behind that was two men, they had cats in some cages, I looked at them and they were all dirty.

Then I noticed the last one, it was gray.. but I recognized him, I lend my hand and he was scared at first.. until it smelled my hand and he started rubbing on me, it was my gray cat, I picked him up and we kept walking, this girl came with us (when?)

We had to cross the street, but it was impossible because there was like 7 train rails, two coming, the others coming from behind, it was all messy but I had to dodge with the beach chair in my arm, I crossed and stayed there, my brother wanted to pee so he was at the other side.

Dreams

Switching trains

Hmm weird dream..

I was going on vacation or something with mom on train. Every so often you'd have to switch train, that means you have to pick up all your bags and move to the next train, straight up.

It was very hard for me because by the time I get to cross, it starts to move.. the problem is the other passengers taking so long to cross. By the third train I couldn't cross because the train started to move and the door was moving away, my mom did cross.

So I went somewhere else and ended up at some city. I walked around and there was nothing interesting, I was thinking thankfully I'm no girl.. no one would do anything to me, just for me to turn my face around and see someone was running after me.

I run and end up at this lady's house, for some reason it was all open.. I entered and was trying to find something, I became Eminem and started singing something, Snoop Dogg was there, I just noticed I was singing something I myself wrote lol.

But the dream ended there.

Dreams

So it was hangman

Weird dream. I was walking home and carrying something important in my backpack, I didn't know what other path to take, I walked in a dirt road and I was trying so hard not to be noticed, it was a dangerous street.

I saw some two girls and a boy beating another girl and I tried to stop them, when the girl escaped, they started following me, I ran to my house locking the door and they were waiting by the front window, I set down my things and I was going to call the police, one of the girls grabbed some big wine bottle from the floor and smashed the window.

I called the police and the guy wasn't even taking his job seriously, he was joking and laughing with his colleagues as I tried to explain what's going on, he didn't listen...

When I finished the call the girls were gone but the boy was waiting sitting on the roof, he tried to be rude but I said it's not worth it, I explained something that I forgot, I think his father was in prison and he'd be if he end up there if he kept going like that.

Cut.. now I'm at home and I see my cousin with a eat healthy bla bla bla shirt, there was vegetables, meat and in the center pork was crossed.. I explained to him that pork is actually the healthiest and he looked at me mad, and that I forget he doesn't like it.. (probably reference that irl my brother's religion doesn't allow pork)

Cut, some game I was making, I honestly didn't understand shit, a dragon image and there's some text box you have to fill, some lots of text and I thought you'd have to retype all of that, but it didn't give enough time at all.. when I woke up I think I guessed what it was, “hangman” each word explained something, but the bottom inputs were small, so it was hangman.

Dreams

All four toilets

Today's dream was weird..

First, I was again at my grandma's house.. but it didn't even look like my grandma's house, I was playing Guitar Hero in a TV.

I had to go to the bathroom, so I went upstairs, mom was really weird, she moved like a zombie, told her to lie in bed.. it's the pills.

I saw her toilet and there was a whole toilet paper in there with diarrhea inside.. Ugh.. I checked the other restroom, the same.. checked the last one and the same.. there was no place I could pee.

I walked to the front end of the second floor, there was my brother's bedroom.. it was funny because it was just a bed and a small TV in front, he was focused on his game or idk.. “Can you.. can you believe it? Mom is so drugged she didn't shit on just one.. but all 4 toilets in the house and I really had to pee..” he just said wow.. and I walked out.

I would go to the aunt's house it's just a few blocks away, I took a bus.. two floors bus, it was SO FULL.. there were some girls trying to go down and they were seducting someone and I got disgusted and went up to sit on my seat, I was sad that I could never get such thing.. I think I fell asleep.

When I woke up I remembered, is this the bus I take to go to aunt's..? I quickly walked out of the bus and checked Google maps, I saw the sign for a place I don't even know.. “Ahghea ville” or smth, it all looked like a uptown part, with tall buildings and a well station, I was in the middle of the train rail.

I checked my phone and it was marking on another train station further away, I checked Fiorito and saw the line.. it just didn't tell me much in that rotation, so I did triangulation and said.. aha, it's that way.. and followed the train rail to go to aunt's house.

I told mom that I forgot my backpack and there's my other phone charging.. I never got to aunt's house because the dream ended there :b

Dreams

The barbershop

I was at my grandma's house, I had my backpack, mom was out.. it was christmas or smth idk, my grandma grabbed me and said we should go somewhere, I didn't get time to put down my stuff, I was worried it'd catch more people's attention, she said we're going to cut my hair, I told her it was cut just a few days ago (irl data).

There was places selling food in the middle of the night, the barbershop was also a PC place, you could rent PCs, I didn't know where to sit down because there was a lot of kids playing there, it was in the middle of the night, I had food in my backpack, apparently old (reference to how I used to have my school bag).

Dreams

Walking on the sand

Today's dream was.. eh

I was in this weird house, it wasn't even built yet, there's people visiting, there's some family coming from the front side, I was at the backside.. which wasn't even a backyard, it was mostly sand, like a beach.

The house was basically at the corner of the block but the far corner so it was over the sidewalk.. I was a few meters away cleaning something I don't even remember, then this girl with her grandma come around, apparently she's my friend or girlfriend and we have a past together.. image: a classmate who I didn't see for almost a decade irl, her body was slim down.

She came from the backside, but as she kept walking on the sidewalk, the sand made her have a hard time walking, I held her hand while she tried to walk and have her indications to where she should walk “go there, the same is more flat and it's wet” she continued all the way to the house while I walked on the sand like it was nothing, the dream had nothing much more than that..

Dreams

The roar

Another dream, I was playing Minecraft with my brother and cousin, they were hunting me in this boxed world, fun.. I could teleport here and there but they could kill me with just one tap.

Thing is that for some reason, every time my character got far or they lost sight, a LOUD roar would sound and even shake my camera.. which was very scary :b

I continued to escape hearing the roar like 10 times but they kept getting faster and it was impossible not escape.

Dreams

The storm and the earthquake

Mmmmm today's dream is weird too.

I was at school, joking around with classmates, one of the principals says to gather up and we had to listen, my plans were that I climb up this Minecraft spruce tree shaped object to be on top, I used a Minecraft ladder at the last block and stood up there all proud.

The principal told me that it was very funny and to get down, asked how I even did that, it's so tall.. I didn't respond and kept laughing.

Suddenly a storm happens, I end up soaked wet, we're ordered back to our rooms, in the way there I ask if they could dry up my clothes because they're too wet (I still had clothes on???)

I walk besides the restrooms and because they're all moving in lines, a class of pure girls try to walk first, I had to enter the bathroom and in the meantime I wash my hands which I think were dirty from climbing up, the girls try to enter the bathroom and push me, apparently it was the girls bathroom.

Some teacher was preparing some movie in a classroom, he was searching for a fan.. a crazy earthquake happens, everyone is so scared, it was my brother's friend.. what was he doing there? He finished school so long ago, I held his arm and told him to grab mine, and we stood there for a while, he was shitting himself because in the dream he's a mama's boy who can't do anything by himself.

The teacher laughs saying he was trying to get the fan and it fell off and broke..

We're sent back home straight up, in the way back I remember all my things were in my clothes and they didn't give it back, I call the principal and ask if it is still her work time (how tf am I calling..?) She says it'll close in a few hours, but she's not working.

I arrive home.. (my grandma's house?) And let me describe the imagery...

Houses on fire, smoke everywhere, the house next door is literally smoking all in between the gaps, so it's burning inside, there's remains of a fire at her sidewalk and I see yellow spots on the floor, I think must've been the fire spots.

It seems that it's all chaos because of that earthquake, in the way home I heard that machines exploded and people died with things on top (like the teacher almost dying with the falling fan).

I sit on the couch's armrest and tell my brother that my phone and belongings are in the clothes, I tell him to prepare “now.. NOW, NOW I SAID YOU HEARD ME?” because it was gonna close soon and I'm not sleeping knowing my phone could get stolen or something.

We went out walking, and the dream ended, I wanted to keep sleeping to get to school and get my phone.. and I got mad that I woke up.

Dreams

Chicken butcher, Terraria

I was at my father's job, chicken butcher stuff, my brother was inside while me and my cousin were on the outside, we decided to clean up the floor, water and soap and brush the floor with brooms.

Then we played Terraria together at the.. outside? There was a PC we just sat there and played, he beat eye of Cthulhu and the twins were summoned, the dungeon was replaced with lizhard and the golem was awoken.. I didn't understand shit and died, what a weird dream.

Dreams

The classmate

On today's dream.. my classmate was selling candy and stuff at my grandma's house.. apparently we were at some school event, the dream actually started as this squid game like event, but in my grandma's living room, we were the last ones, my mom, brother and I against some others.. everyone was shaking because they didn't want to die, I looked at my hand and I was just fine.

There was a break and my classmate was there, new cookie flavors and all.. during the dream I was thinking “what if there was a flavor like this?” and I told her that, “I literally was thinking about this, there's a flavor of that thing too”.

There seemed to be a romantic tension between us, from dream awareness it seems that she had been my gf before but we broke up, so I went to her and I hugged her hard, she didn't push me off, she caressed my hair and sighed.. we talked a bit, I already forgot what but it made sense in the dream.. I think something about plans of going out on vacation, so I invited her to come with me, and she accepted.

The break is over so I had to go back to the game, I whispered I love you and gave her a hard smooch on the cheek, she murmured something that I am still wondering what.. could be “I love you too” or “I think I do too..” or something else but the dream ended there.

It's funny how there were two dreams interlacing at the same time, but I'm focusing on this one instead.

She's a classmate I used to mess with, she was the quiet and lonely kind.. I'd place my hand on her head and pat her, we joked a bit but nothing ever happened with her, one day she was cold so I took out my hoodie and gave it to her, she used it ever since.. but when school ended I've never heard of her and the others.

Dreams
Running at the same time as “The classmate”

The other one, interlacing

Well.. the other dream, the one that was interlacing while I hugged her, it was some Minecraft gameplay, I think part of the squid game thing, you spawned in the nether and have to pick up some object, I forgot what it was, I think chickens.

I fell on lava a few times because it was hard to move in the mess of a world that it was, I had to come back to the spawn and I saw lava flowing down, it was gonna hit me so I stepped back and ended up falling in lava eitherway, I quickly got out and was low health.

I don't remember the rest but I think I died and that's when the dream ended, when I got killed.

Dreams

Kizaru and the light switches

Another weird dream..

I was alone at home, night time, my mom was asleep while I was playing a game at the table, there was a video playing in the background for noise and light.

I was playing Clash Royale, a new card was released, Kizaru from One Piece, but it was the live action image, Adam Sandler with sunglasses, the card had fire borders and the way to unlock it was in some pay to win thing, you had the choice to pick up the new card Kizaru, or get the slots which was random and didn't guarantee getting the Kizaru card, I choose that.. got some lots of random things and a new card, it was like a musketeer but an archer, I didn't get the kizaru card, I still got the chance to get it when I checked my cards and it said click to unlock.

I needed some light so I stood up and went to turn on the light, nothing.. flick again, am I flicking the right switch? I flick another switch next to it and still nothing, light must've burnt out.. I spammed flicking and then went to turn on another light across the room, notice the cables glowing and shining from the flicking I did, then I turned on the light and looked out the window, nothing.. night time after all.

I go to the front of the house and see the front door open, I get worried the cats might escape, one of them is sitting on some potato bag like a loaf, the other is inside.. the neighbor opened it and is packing the car with stuff, said my mom asked him to help move things, towels thrown at the side of the house.. weird, they seem clean.

I enter back inside and there's my father, almost got a heart attack, where did he come from. He's making an asado at the chimney, asks if I wanted to go buy something to drink with him and my brother, I check on my mom and she's dressing up as if it's all normal.. I'm so confused, my brother was in Chile from what I know but he's just here now.

I wake up after that, I am not even supposed to see my father, he left us.. nor my brother, he wasn't around in the dream.

Dreams

Not Timmy Turner

Interesting dream, I was supposedly Timmy Turner, well not really.. I was apparently a superhero with powers, but in reality there was no godparents or super powers and I was not Timmy Turner, I was a college student using tech built at the engineer department.

I was with this friend, he was pretending to be a villain, with a chainsaw.. I forgot what weapon I had already but I couldn't attack him because the weapon would either clash back or the chainsaw hurt me.

In the meantime, there was an explanation of who the villain was, basically it was Vicky, but she didn't transform into the kind of villain that terrorizes the city by killing or wanting to conquer the city.

She would turn into this butterfly like girl, and try to breed with any man, they die in the process but she's desperate to find someone that matches her, she's all colored pink with glowing eyes, we have like a counter of how many died as I train with the friend.

I find out I can clash the weapon against the chainsaw and grab the chain, hold it as tightly to take it out but the dream ends there.

I don't remember much of her silhouette but she had big boobs, nothing else, I don't remember if she had a huge tail with the sting, idk how they call it in bees or wasps.

If I had to guess, it'd be that she'd use the stinger hole as the mating one, and while she tried to breed with anyone, they'd basically get poisoned with a dose not meant for humans, males of her kind would be only immobilized.

Dreams

The bus and the wine

Today's dream, there were a lot of em.. the one I remember the most is, see mom changing while walking by.. sear that into my memory, I think it lasted till dream 4.. but I still remember it partially now without the colors.

Most of them were related to relationships.. one where I was at the backseat of a bus, in the seat front of me was a girl who I apparently like but she was with some other guy sitting in the same seat, I'd mess with her hair and then sit back disappointed, other students across, some girl watching me but I didn't pay attention.

Looking out the window see a furniture store, it's about to close from bankruptcy, guy enters the store, picks up a wine bottle.. it spills out when he asks at the counter, the man somehow is able to grab enough of it from the counter and the flavor was so dense he's able to pour water to make a whole new bottle and sell it.. I don't remember the rest.

Dreams

Scrambled memories

Weird things to remember, apartment, shower, pay to do it with prostitutes..

Worry the landlady sees me, brother not know, shipping, home, movie..

Go to shopping again, walking.. we talk about why she let us.

I thinking about doing the prostitutes stuff again..

At the shopping I wait for him to be distracted to go there, when I leave without doing anything I see my mom at the shopping front glass talking with my brother.

She says she's not partially blind now, she can't see because hot water spilled in her eye, cries.. dream ends.

Dreams

The shredder

Weird dream today..

A city in ruins basically, there's the plaza and we first see people walking on the street, I don't know where they're going.. but they go slow.. and it doesn't seem like they're planning anything.

I ask and someone tells me it's the shredder, then comes the shredder and it's a car with a machine in front, it reminds me of those giant vehicles they use in farms, everyone in the way get shredded and the blood basically sprayed everywhere, we just walk home..

Apparently to an uncle's house, it's so poor, it's all trash and random stuff, the walls don't even fully insulate, made out of thin planks.

We go out and check out the area, but mainly we were grateful that there's now 96% of polluted air, it was 100% before, in the dream it felt like a fresh breath.

There's people already stepping into the road for the shredder and my uncle and brother jumps into the higher floor on the roof, I try to but I'm worried of breaking the roof, I look down and it's plastic held by tree branches.

The house next door is like two floors, but when I look away and look again it's like 4-5 floors, with a single stair that leads up, all made out of cheap concrete.

They party and brings us stuff, alcohol, coca cola and food, I couldn't hold it all so I put down the alcohol one and the guy presenting says it's his daughter's birthday, my brother is invited and the magic words for her are waifu and arigato, from dream awareness the girl was like 9yo.. so I thought “oh no.. it's a weeb one” and the dream ended after the man almost stepped on the glass of alcohol.

Dreams

The bike and the rooftop

Quite the long dream.

So there's school, some guy was selling bikes at the entrance, I bought one (my mom's bike irl).. the day after I went to school with it..

I forgot what I was doing, probably messing around, the teacher didn't bear me.. something happens and I with a classmate go to check, the teacher still annoyed at me...

After school I leave and see that my bike is not locked and some guys are using it, I tell him it is my bike.. he acts all mighty because there's his friends around, I take the bike, the chain and extra seat stay.. they run towards me but the bike is faster..

I don't remember if it was at school or home, I was playing Guitar Hero and configuring the settings, there were different animations for when you miss a note, one where the highway shakes, one where it pulses, another where it jumps, and other options..

Suddenly it's the middle of the night, I am walking around and see the cleaning lady and another classmate.. they start to run towards me so I do something smart, I am so fast I run all the way around the block... but they didn't follow me and instead met me at the other side, so I actually start to run away.

The classmate guy is fast so I run as fast as I can trying to escape.. I super jump a building and he can't reach as high as me but manages to grab the ceiling, I step on his fingers and he tries to grab my foot to get up... He resists so much but after a while he falls down and I escape.. The dream ends there.

I forgot a lot of things already...

Dreams

Change the teeth

Then the next dream is totally different, it started as this YouTuber playing Phasmophobia, running in circles.. the living room, then going to the hallway and the kitchen, like three times.

Until the dream shifted from gameplay and our character said “stop it.. come here” and the monster that was following us stops in front, we are this ventriloquist doll, but without the human.. humanoid looking but too round and weird.. it's eerily scary because it moves alone.

He tells the other one to reach their tongue down to the back of their neck, the other asks why and he tells them to just do it, and when stretching the tongue all the way to the back of the neck, the jaw shuts down.. killing the robot.. at least that's what we think.

Then a smaller voice comes.. a smaller doll under the clothes at the back of the robot saying “what am I supposed to do with this small body?” and our robot goes “change the teeth.. there's more than what you have” and the teeth change for some that seem scary to one that's goofy “that one... now add the fangs” and the teeth get pointy and scary..

Dreams

The girl with the phone

Funny dream, I was living with this girl, she plays her phone all the time, I play once but am not as good as her, but I flirt with her.. and mock her too. I kissed her in that dream.. but I forgot the rest.

Dreams
Follows “The girl with the phone”

The weak team

Another dream, I am waiting for some people to arrive home apparently preparing for some big war, in the meantime I explain the reason.

The fight for supremacy, the ones with the strength to have it all don't kill to conquer, they use that strength for menace, recruiting anyone who'd accept them.. but if they don't accept they are weak, they have weapons, tanks.. the weak don't use weapons, they are trained to fight barehanded.. I am one of the weak team.

Waiting for the rest of the people to join in, some classmates walk in but it looks silly and stupid.. Suddenly the girl from the last dream walks in, she says the leader lend her the leadership.. I was annoyed, a girl commanding..? I was more blushed than annoyed, but after some time she hugged me and kissed my cheek, at least with the mockery between us, there was something sweet..

About ages, think I was like 13 in both dreams, the war stuff was more me pretending I was part of that war thing but we were just kids so no one would actually believe it.

I have a big view of the city, I love this kind of info.. I was at a house with 3 floors.. small but tall, it looks fine but just a little poor.. the classmate looked goofy, the girl was pretty but she didn't worry how I was, I think we were a couple..

As for her entering and saying she was told she's the leader, it was just that the other classmate couldn't come because he was sick, so she took the leader space.. we had conversations in the dream but I forgot them trying to quickly summarize to you what happened in both dreams before I forgot.

Dreams

The butcher lab

I was on some train wagons, they were disconnected but I needed them to move, just like in Minecraft I broke some rails and saw a train coming, I extended the rails and literally lifted the wagons to connect them to the other rail, but the train started moving so I had to be quick and connect them.

We were in the middle of nowhere with my brother, until the train was arriving at some place, it was big and ominous.. dark with this lab ambience, the train was doing some tricks to pass through giant doors, until it arrived.. it was this huge butcher lab, we turned big to meet the man, I forgot the conversations.. but then my family appeared and we had to leave.

Dreams

Zombie dream

I went to my aunt's house and I was scared, I entered this house and sat on the dinner table with some other strangers, I pretended to be asleep while staring lazily at the entrance.

I almost fell asleep but then a zombie entered and they attacked it, but it was big.. I ended up thinking “I'm useless” and sat with my little cousin to watch a small TV, I taught him something but I forgot, then I pat his head..

Dreams

The action you tried to make

Weird dream today hmmm. The one part I mind remembering is:

I was with this girl, she was sitting on something.. her arms wrapped over my shoulder and her thick soft thighs pressing around my waist, she was saying flirty things but never really kissing or doing anything, until I snapped and went for it.. sex!!! Gets kicked

What..? Discord layout comes out “the action you tried to make is inappropriate”. I tried again.. gets kicked again, sees two pings in a channel.. I'm supposed to define my appearance with an image? Is that why? Ugh.. no sex today, but literally in that moment I assumed this was just a representation of roleplay.

Then I was somewhere else, I remember a giant centipede, I got scared and threw it at a car outside, it was a fake, that could move.. but then a real one came out, same size, it looked more sturdy and the colors were sharper.. it crawled on top of the fake and it gave me goosebumps on my back.. I woke up after that.

God... her thighs were so soft and swishy, I felt so comfortable, I wanted to breed her.. :(

She was so pretty too, I forgot what she looked like... but she was pretty.

And the centipedes were about 3m long, 15cm wide.

I kinda wanted to stay in that dream but it changed, I remember there were people around and we were at this blind spot, that's why we could have sex, but that thing didn't let me.

Dreams

Over thirty absences

Quick dream this morning...

I was making textures like I usually do, in my laptop? My mom kept sending me stuff in my phone, memes.

It was time to go to school but I didn't want to go, my mind had that I rather finish making those textures, it's more productive than school.. I even counted how many times I've been absent this year.. I lost count, but I had over 30 absences.. the limit was already 20.

I went to my mom and told her I didn't want to go, she looked at me for a moment and didn't respond.. then she changed subject and asked if I saw those memes, I said I didn't.. but why are they about married ppl stuff, she said not to blame her, she can't send it to her ex husband, and sending it to grandma would be weird.

I remind her that I'm not gonna go to school and she said okay, I don't remember anything useful coming from school anyway, in my mind I rather be Georgie Cooper and earn money while others are lost in useless stuff.

I checked out the window and went back to my room because I actually didn't even sleep and it was about 11AM..

Other details are that we were at the Argentina's house.. my room was the tiny one.. would say the year was 2022 because of the positions.. but my brother was already assumed to be in Chile, which didn't happen until late 2023.. my mom's room was very messy, with clothes on the floor, some dust from the ceiling and stuff.. reminder of a time where ants were eating the ceiling material and it made dust... Other assumptions were that I was... fine, not tight on money but done of living there, I wanted to live somewhere else.. just like outside the dream.

When I woke up I tried to keep as much info because to me the dream was real, like a normal day until I realized it was all a dream and I'm actually not even in Argentina.

I think I showed mom the textures in my laptop while she was in bed and that's why she accepted I stay.. but yes.. it was 2025 mentality, with 2022 memory and mix with current materials.. since I had my laptop, something I bought this year.. and my brother in Chile, the rest of the house was blank.. couldn't see, frontyard was 2023.. maybe that's the clear time but by then I was living at my mom's bedroom.

Dreams

The surgeries

Bleh another weird dream.. very weird, my mom was doing surgeries, she and my dad swapped sex organs.. how tf, idk..

She asked if I wanted to swap with her.. she had my dad's organs at that point, in my mind I had different plans but when she started cutting.. she said I had to be hard for it.. makes sense, to take as much as possible.

I remembered one of the photos and I didn't want that, you'd have to wait at least 5-6 days each time you get a surgery, so you couldn't pee or anything.. that was already concerning, she wasn't even using anesthesia so how did she even do the surgery to herself? Idk..

Dreams

The sticks in the rain

Then another dream which I don't remember much about it, I was with my cousin.. it was raining really hard, we were both young, we were doing something but I don't know what.. then my cousin ran out.

I followed him through the sidewalk, ran for like 7 long blocks and oof.. that was tiring, we arrived at this long unused plot with large trees, he grabbed sticks and all.. then the parents came running and asked why did he run. “It's for her, I want the best for her”.

I forgot what the sticks was for.. they had to be thin, hard and as straight as possible, no branch spots or wobbly curves.. so I started looking, but the dream ended there.. I was very wet by the end of that dream.

The girl was sick or in bed, that's what I remember with the dream awareness, knowing stuff that isn't there or said, so he wanted to do something for her.. I forgot what.

I think it's very autistic that even in my dream I would feel disgusted and self conscious about being soaked, but I kept running behind him because I didn't know what he was running for, was he escaping? Did something happen? What if he disappears?

I almost died being ran over by a car :b but I ended up alive... he didn't cross the highway in red.. every car was moving.

What I love is having all the senses in my dreams, that's why they are hard for me to spot being dreams.. for others is the lack of awareness and they just don't know it's a dream, but they don't feel anything.. they just watch it like a movie.

Dreams

Waking up thrice

One dream where I was sleeping and sleeping in the sleep, it was so weird because I was so into the dream I had to wake up thrice to finally feel my real body.

The funny part is that I am hyper aware, so I knew at what stage I was, in one I had a dream where I got scared, and I woke up from the dream into the dream with my heart pounding.. and I felt it in my real body, but then I slept again in the dream and it was another dream, and when I woke up I did it thrice.

Dreams

The erasers

Bleh.. I didn't sleep, but I had awake dreams while laying down, I was at this huge shopping.. checking out clothes, I wanted to go check on something with my brother but then I said nah when a girl two times bigger than me was taking the whole pathway.

I saw some guys sitting in a desk, it seemed like they were doing a test or homework idk.. my first instinct was “they took something from my pencil case”. The guy sitting next to me was brown with curly hair, Chilean from his speaking.. I said “I'm pretty sure that eraser is mine” he said “no that's my own”.

When I looked at my pencil case, my eraser was there, and a lot of other really used and dirty erasers with meme faces on them, I showed it to them and they laughed, then put my things in the backpack and left.

Then suddenly I was laying on the floor, like I've just woken up.. I saw something flying far away in the sky, it was a plane flying low.. when it went over me I felt the ground shake.

A woman was sitting under the shadow of the building in a beach chair, I couldn't see properly.. the typical waking up blurriness, I blinked again and again, I tried not to blink too hard or I'd open my real eyes, I couldn't see much of her figure but I think it was sports jacket and pants in red and white, then I woke up trying to blink again.

Dreams

Having children would suck

Bleh I just had another long dream but I forgot quickly, I just remember about the problem with having children.

Having to go to the store to buy their tools for school, the store guy telling me “it's super important that you remember to ask for a double edge multi tool with active unintelligible shit wifbskfn signsifns ifbfbf” — it was all that for a single item that had a LOONG name.

Then to be able to write it down by hand, not only the names, but how to.. not from left to right, but right to left, top to bottom.. bottom to top, with what strokes and all.

Dreams

The prototypes

Weird dream..

Me and my brother are two girls, apparently my parents split, my mom blamed it on us and leaves, we try to go through a tube to get closer to the other side and go to our dad, but we can't.. he still finds us and take us to the back of his house, think it is some tech company.

My room is this small ball, not working machine, I think it was supposed to fly, a prototype, so I sleep sit.. I don't know where my sister slept.

It seems there's a time skip, but it's still the same, just the difference that the ground is covered in a lot of drawings I made, lots of homers, and one homer fighting ned.. me and my sister laugh about it, I say that the last one is my favorite...

At night my dad leaves two prototypes out, tells us not to touch them.. one is a ball, but this one works.. the other is like a motorcycle with spinning fans.

My sister takes the ball and goes exploring next to the house, a round mountain, it's all grassy.. irl it would be a dirty forest.. there's a house at the top and I go with the motorcycle one, it works, just a little dizzy of spinning too much trying to understand how it works, I go up top of the mountain and see the little house, but before anything happens I go down and leave the motorcycle in place, going to my little ball to pretend to sleep, apparently that's where I was drawing, because I had some papers and tools on the other side.

Dad stepped out and entered back in when he saw everything was alright.. it seems that he brought someone with him, something like a Nelson, some time passes and the kid seems a little sad, he tries to show the drawings he made but he's not used to drawing with pencils, so I suggest “dad, you bought things for us to be more comfortable, you should do the same for him” and he accepts grumpy.

Suddenly we are at a bus, going to the store to buy those things.. the bus stops at the entrance.. but before all of us get to step inside, it starts going out... It DETATCHES the back side with a circle at the top and bottom.. and leaves the backside of the bus at that store, we have to wait again to be back to the store -_-

The place I was with my sister was actually my house in Argentina.... but like... 2014, it didn't have the makeshift roof, everything was dirty and my little ball was at the backyard, next to the large tree.. there was the rest of the backyard but it didn't seem used, everything was just how I remember, but the window leading inside was a normal window and we couldn't see inside.. because here it was some tech company stuff...

So yeah.. we were sleeping at the backyard, very classy for a tech company man :b

Dreams
The one I never forget

The wall in the desert

The dream was about this post apocalyptic world.. girls were pretty much extinct except this girl I was traveling with, we were being transferred to a safe place in the middle of the deserts.

Sandstorms and stuff happened, the bus was very rusty and bumpy, the smell of piss and cigarettes from old people and the smell of old paper or metal covered the place, it was very cramped.. but she still shined through, the sand dunes were big.. but when we arrived, we were given our own little rooms, big because the place was a giant wall meant to protect from any natural disaster.

The best part is my lucid dreams aren't about “I think this, I can make it happen” — they are about being able to move, feel, smell and hear.. that's why I was so descriptive with smell..

The place smelled like of gray, like dust, nothing happened during the day, when everyone was asleep.. she called me in, I don't remember what happened in between, I got to know her better.. she didn't want to give in to any other man.

She was beautiful, we were both young.. I remember she wore this silky tank top, she didn't have any more clothes besides that, but she still looked really pretty.. long brown hair, white skin soft.. the room was very dim and the floor was cold, every wall was made of this cold concrete that felt like metal.

I don't remember what happened in between.. I've lost a lot of memories of it.. she lied on her back and opened her legs, that's when I first felt it.. but it wasn't real so I can't count it as lost virginity.

Small frame, tiny breasts, really just about age.. it was my age at the time.. two young people in a depressing world.

It feels like a doujin to be able to remember the explicit scene but her face is blurred..

Dreams

The materials

Interesting dream.

First I was with my mom playing this game, it was a car game and I was going through highways, I asked my mom something but she got angry while she played her own thing, I went with the car through this dirt road that was sideways, it even changed the camera for the angle, I saw other roads like this before...

Then I cut to this bus or train.. I was with this grandma, I was talking cute to her, I wanted something off of her.. she'd treat me nicely and say she'd get me anything I wanted, we were at this train station and had to get home, I'd build some machinery idk what for, and what I needed was the materials which that grandma would buy for me.

I got waken up after this subtle sound that reminded me of the phone warning alarm, it sounded very subtle but it was the same tone.

Oh yeah.. this one annoyed me because I actually thought it was the amber alert but the sound was in the dream, when I woke up there was actually no sound.

Dreams

The candy game

I was playing something with my brother, some online Candy Crush game, it was duo.. against other players who also wanted to reach far, like a time limit thing, you'd hold on the right side of the screen and it'd accelerate, it was a 2D game where you are a circle candy, the ones with spirals in orange.. you simply roll the candy across waves and mountains.

But my brother couldn't get back because he got stuck in a place where he bounced back and didn't have enough momentum to reach the top and continue rolling.. I don't know why that game gave me nostalgia if it doesn't exist, the game even had the typical powerups that you can pay to get, and he used a jump power, even with that the candy jumped BACK because that's where it was bouncing off to.. we lost.

I know what it is.. it's a phone game called Dune where you get points for reaching higher and higher by getting speed from the ramps.

Dreams

Let me eat in peace

Okay now this short dream was something.. I had ordered two things at this restaurant, two things I usually don't eat.. my brother starts and goes “He likes to waste money, he doesn't even like that” because I was eating just one of the meals.

I continue eating, my temper already annoyed.. “look, he's only eating that, he's not eating the other” and I was about to eat the other meal, combining them.. I started doing that and my mom jumps into it “you better eat all of your meals or I'll hit you”.

That was it.. “shut the fuck up, you don't even know what I am doing, and you don't even help.. let me eat in peace and fuck off”.

I woke up frustrated because my mom got mad at my attitude like I didn't have a reason to, I don't care she's my mom, she's also stupid treating me like I don't know what I'm doing.

Dreams

The cast of Futurama

Damn.. I had this crazy dream.

I had to pull up at my grandma's house to get “the cast of Futurama”???? They were miniature waiting in this box.. I assumed there'd be people protecting it, so when I sneaked in enough, I was able to see a glimpse of the leg of my mom as she was hiding with a revolver, sweat pants on.. I didn't get enough time and she sneaks out, the revolver in my head and I thought “it's over..”

And I get a heartbeat of speed and slap the gun avoiding the shot to my face and hiding in the dining room, apparently there was another spy hiding but they survived.. the one who came with me.

I had the revolver to my head again and with another heartbeat this time I punched the hand, avoided two shots and forced mom to slip and twisted her hand back to shoot her and the other spy, it felt kinda cold how I did it without remorse.

Now I was back at the car escaping with the Futurama cast in a box, at the highway.. they say “the waitress is missing”, “do you remember her?” Fry asks and everyone mumbles and goes silent.. “taking you there will end your season 7” I say “but if there's another season, don't ask how we are all back” one of them says.. I think the professor.

And the dream ended there.

Futurama has like 35 seasons...... it was probably referring to Rick and Morty and mixed it up.

Dreams

Her number

Interesting.. I was out with my brother and mom to buy something, but it was too late and everything was closed, except this store.. it was located in a dangerous street so we didn't want to go because we had important things on us.

While walking there was a small shop, my mom bought her things and with my brother we looked at the cookies, they had a lot of Oreos.. told my brother to test if one tasted right, he said the cream tasted like chocolate so I tasted it, it was kind of like mousse, some police guy entered the shop so we had to leave the eaten cookies there.. “aw, we'll have to stop checking on these” I tried to not say we were tasting or eating them.

Suddenly I was at my home, bedroom.. it wasn't like any room really, my bed was at the window, it was almost morning but still dark, I was a little scared about any burglars.

I saw a car parking at the entrance of the house in front, it was a large plot with trees and all, just a dirt road connecting both our houses inside the plot, then the asphalt road outside.. I looked at the car window and saw it looked like a Vtuber.. but then I saw the real person and thought, I know that person...

They entered the plot through the dirt road and I pretended to be invisible by not moving at all, but she saw me and I had to open the window.. “I know you”.. I was covering myself with the blanket because it was cold outside, the sun was coming out.. she said she had to go but wanted to talk with me.

I said I'll let her know, but I didn't have a way to contact me so there was an awkward silence as they all noticed it, then thinking for a moment I asked for her number and she hesitated and said sure, I think she got a little shy because I was too forward.. the dream ended after I got her number tho.

Dreams

The angel gadget

I had probably the craziest dream non dream I've ever had, I saw something, it looked like streets, going here and there.. no, it was me, all the things there were part of me, like tools and gadgets.

I was fighting something, think it was demons from Chainsaw Man, but I kept this one, no matter what happened I'd keep it there, it was the angel.. apparently the more I kept it there and the more it healed, it would turn much harder to kill and become a menace, I think the point was that it'd turn into a girl.. the angel demon thing.

Everything that happened I'd use every other gadget with heals on them so they don't die, the demons tried everything on me, power went straight to the angel demon in my gadget and I somehow was able to keep it alive healing it and killing power with other gadgets, I was tempted to use the angel but nothing, at every attempt I'd barely survive without using him.

And Makima almost killed me and it was time, she died instantly and angel went back to my gadgets as a girl.. that dream probably lasted one hour or two but I was able to get her, there were a lot of details I missed because I'm forgetting them, but at some point I even had to kill Aki and Denji.

She was bright and smiled, kissing me before turning into a gadget again, I think the point of that demon in the anime was the kiss of death, but it didn't kill me when he turned into a girl.

Dreams

Five levels of blackout

I was at my grandma's house, nothing interesting, but a storm started to happen, I was playing Horizon Forbidden West in my brother's laptop, he was doing something in his phone, I checked mine and I had low battery.

The rain was too heavy, and it started to cause a blackout, but the scary part was that it wasn't everything at once, there were 5 levels and it was going one by one with a loud noise as the lights went out, until everything went black, I had no way to charge my phone or laptop and that worried me, but I better sleep..

Dreams
Second dream — after the blackout

The airport

I was at this airport, it looked like a big mall.. was going back home with my family and some of my old classmates just so happened to take a plane too, they were grown up by now, and we were going to the same places.. apparently they didn't notice us, not much to say about this dream.

Dreams
Third dream — after the blackout

Unpacking in Argentina

Just got home in Argentina, wasn't I taking a plane?

Unpacked my backpack and had to think what to take to grandma's house, random bullshit, my house is full of oxidized nonsense so not much to take either, apparently it was 2023 furniture placement, not the current one.

My brother turned ON the TV and started playing Guitar Hero, quite a hard chart for some reason, never seen that chart before, it would be hard to play irl (Before I Forget).. this dream didn't have much either other than knowing that it was after the blackout dream.

Dreams

The fake iPhone

Interesting dream.. I was at my grandma's, think it was Christmas because family meeting, I had just bought this new phone, an iPhone.. and I went to the iPhone store to check if it was real or not, I put a cover on it, when I connected it to USB some options popped up asking if I wanna run the test..

Quickly the phone starts buzzing and making alarm noises basically implying that it is a fake, so I went home but there were options now asking what I wanna do next, the options were kind of horrible except for one “call the army” yeah.. that was the least scary one.

So I left the phone on bed and went to the living room with grandma, she asks me why I sit weird, I said some people will come for me and I am scared, more nervous than scared really, shaking a little...

They didn't appear instantly and I waited a little but they finally entered and one pointed a gun at me, the other one asked me what happened and I took a deep breath and stood up, “so I bought this new phone, right?” I walked to the bedroom to pick the phone from the bed as I show it “I bought it second hand I thought it was official, so I went to iPhone to check if it was official” — the army guy chuckled a little because I expected a second hand item to be official “yeah yeah” he said.

“And when I connected it it started an alarm and I realized it was a fake, so I kind of got scammed”. The army guy then says “but how did you not notice?” I show him “yeah but it's beautiful, when I looked at it at the iPhone store it was gorgeous look at this texture” and he agreed.. “compared to this thing look at this” I show my phone taking the cover and showing the backside completely shattered, he laughs and agrees with me.

He says that the call was stupid “yeah.. I don't even know why they do that, how would I know if I bought a fake or not? Is not even my fault”. Then grandma calls us for dinner, the family dinner is ready and I ask the army guys if they wanna join.. “sorry but we gotta go, we can't stay” and the dream ended as they walked away.

Dreams

One star

Very weird dream.... VERY weird dream..

I was at school, sitting at one edge of the classroom alone, then I killed a classmate with something.. apparently, they didn't see but somehow knew he died? Prob blood idk, some classmate sat with me and I had to come up with a quick excuse, there was The Escapists 2 features and I saw the stars, 1 star..

So I gave in the backpack I hid the body in, how do you fit body parts of an entire human in a backpack.. don't ask me.

That somehow saved me but if they found out it was me they'd bring up the dogs with a lockdown, I thought I got out but after a few mins the lockdown happened and the dogs attacked me.

Dreams

No Spiderman movie

Huh, so I was at some place with my family, a new movie was announced with Andrew Garfield, I assumed it was a new Amazing Spiderman movie...

Went to the cinema and looked around, kinda liked the place.. it was a huge room with white tiles and a loong counter, but only one girl was taking orders so.. I waited in line in real life time.. that was annoying.

I started thinking wait.. there's no new movie.. and he didn't say it released, so I left the line.. a little worried that I could be wrong, I first thought maybe I could ask what movies there are available or if there's anything about Spiderman.. but I left the line and saw a poster about a movie where Andrew Garfield was wearing a blue sweater, a long coat, smiling and with a dancing pose like he's dancing in the rain, movie seemed to be about the portrayal or biography of a person, the movie name was the name of that person.

So no Spiderman movie, got a little disappointed that I wasted my time.. time to leave the shopping, I had no idea where I was when I went outside, it looked kinda nice but strange places worry me.. left at a different entrance and took a bus.

I remember that there's a place I should never go because it's very dangerous so I started pressing the stop button at the bus and it stopped right next to a person laying on the floor, thankfully they did nothing but just in case I put my phone in the pocket inside the jacket, speaking of jacket I was wearing the same one I always wear in real life, it was as annoying.

Then I just walked my way home, I remember going through train rails and almost getting squished by one, also driving a car.. but the dream ended because I woke up.. so in the end it wasn't that a new movie released, it was just that they announced a Spiderman movie.. it didn't have posters or anything so it wouldn't be at the cinema.

Dreams

The man with the gun

Two dreams.. actually three, but I don't remember the third..

First, went out to buy something and there were some people at this alley, I noticed one started to follow me and I ran, entered a hallway as he was pointing a gun at me, found a ruined building with lots of trash inside and I climbed to the top.

There were two buckets at the edge and I planned to kill him with one of them, they were filled with water, one with warm water, he was running on the hallway looking for me and I pushed the bucket with my feet, it didn't land.. too early, he looked up and found me, already aiming the gun at me.

So before he could get to me I kept climbing onto another house, jumping down onto the street, went home and had dinner with my family but I forgot to buy the drink, so I had to go out..

The man was outside and I started to complain that he follows me everywhere for no reason, this time I took my purse to grab just a few coins enough for the drink and the guy started to apologize or something saying he didn't mean to, and he joined the dinner as I left to buy the drink.

In the first dream I was targeted because I had to take out my phone and they saw me, the dream actually started with me buying at the store and paying, there were a lot more scenes too but I don't remember.

Dreams
Second dream

Taking a shit

Was at some crazy water pool place, there was a yacht inside, also a waterfall and we had to go, I wanted to walk on top of the waterfall but worried I could slip between all of that, so I left my phone and card there in my pants.

I noticed everyone escaping or leaving so I did the same, I was going home, escaped with a huge truck then remembered that I forgot the phone and the card inside my pants at the place.. stuff I stole the truck, there was police looking for evidence as I left the truck somewhere.

I tried to hide inside some bushes and an oxidized grid, a police woman saw me as she was looking for something and said “Hi Joaquin, what are you doing there?” In my position I was sitting so I said “taking a shit” while I pretended embarrassment, she didn't really ask further and left giving me time to escape.

I grabbed another vehicle and went back to that place.. but the dream ended.

Dreams
Third dream

The gallery on the screen

This one sounds stupid.. I was in a large boat.. I forgot the name of these that are like hotels, I was eating at the food court and wanted to put something in the screen so I connected my phone.

There was a lot of my photos from my gallery and all, funny how they exist irl.. silly and dummy comics, some memes, hentai.. then in some album there was nudes, which everyone started booing for and I struggled taking it out lol.. I don't remember much of that dream but that.

Dreams

The Peruvian friend

Damn, dream today was kinda sad.. this Peruvian friend (I don't have one in reality), his father apparently did something bad.. and police started to tail him, they did nothing wrong and apparently it was just xenophobia from the police, they killed his father in front of him and wanted to leave the country.

I was already seeing in the news how they planned to cheat his ID making it not work on detectors whenever he was about to use it.. walking on the street he seemed happy trying to live his life and anything.. just anything.. they killed his friend (not Peruvian) right in front of his eyes with a clean shot to the head, his brother.. he had enough and couldn't deal with it.

But then it happened.. they passed his ID to this thing to ruin it so they could have any reason to jail him.. and the dream ended, I am sure he's dead with all they did with no reason to kill him.

A lot of scenes of the news squeezing his story, some were trying to voice for him.. some were making sure everyone hated him, they framed his father as some sort of drug kingpin when he was just a simple father, his son was framed as a massive drug dealer who killed a lot of people.. when he was a normal kid.

Scenes where he would be pulled out of a deep water hole where he would come out panicking and crying because there was his just killed friend right next to him, he resorted to hiding sometimes because he was afraid of being shot next.. interestingly enough, the dream started with the airport and the happy family planning their vacations on the spot.

I was behind watching, how the blood splattered from his friend's head as he slowly fell without him even realizing what happened, it meant that if they wanted they could take him down as his head was inches away from his friend... Only because of the silence did he realize that he died.

What weirds me out is that the only Peruvians they killed was his father.. the rest were completely unrelated to him, locals that had no crimes comitted, yet they killed them just to haunt and threaten the kid, if they had to cover the story they'd make sure their names were tainted so people didn't relate with them.

Dreams

Giving away the cat

Long dream..

I was at some huge cathedral thing.. walking around I find this girl sitting at a sort of visitors chairs, the chair was really uncomfortable.. I talked her out of her religious thing.. and she started getting more sexually active.. she had big boobs but they were scuffed inside her clothes.. so she started to undo them, but then my mom and brother arrived and I pretended nothing happened, they didn't go away and the girl just started to tease me grabbing my hand to hold hands.

Suddenly I'm out at the car, have my cats and it was my mom gave away one of the cats to a family car that had smaller cats and a children.. “they'll give it back when we get home”.

I was getting scared.. anxious “no but that's not the problem. You know him, what if he jumped out and ran away, he doesn't live here we don't know where he could be..” I was having my heart beating fast in both the dream and irl.

Saw a stupid car that looked very old with the modifications to look like a new car at a mechanic, I say “considering how expensive it is to do that, at that point just buy a new car no?”.. nothing happened after that.

I actually got emotional about giving out the cat, I got attached, probably a reference to when I gave out one cat that trusted me and I quietly cried while the cat was scared of the outside meowing and we were giving it to a new family.

Dreams

The store from another dream

It was me back at school, we were leaving, my brother was there and I was walking with my classmates, one girl seemed interested in me, I just crossed the road and went to my bus stop.

My brother was supposed to come with me but he ended up going with a girl, I thought maybe he'll just walk her to her house and come back, so after waiting a minute or two I kept walking.

I decided I could buy something from a store, remembered I don't have money in my card (from my current balance irl) and said “shit.. it'll not be enough, okay I'll just check”, the store was replaced with something I recall from another dream before, then I went “shit.. I forgot about this” — the store was the same, just a little more polished.

So I went to the grocery store “I am glad I am back in Argentina”, the lights were out apparently, but I didn't want to use my phone's flash, seems to be linked with the other dream because I didn't have battery, I saw the prices and products and didn't seem interesting.. the dream ended there, weird.

Dreams
Connected to the previous

King of the underground

I was at a city, looked more like a factory with tubes everywhere, some demon things appeared and I had a fire spitting weapon, but I started to notice that the more demons, the more the world was corrupting.

My weapon was spitting fire everywhere even on me and I didn't know how to fix it at first, a lot of tubes and parts of the house were broken, I didn't mind but it scared me.

Then I looked to charge my phone and my mom was charging hers in both my room and hers, so I disconnected one.

Then I changed to something weird.. the Joker and Batman facing each other, the Joker says “you'll be the king of the underground/hell” — “Hm.. I like it, and what will you be, the king of jokers?” — “An actor batman, an actor.. or maybe a scientist”.

Dreams

Two women at my window

I had one really scary dream just now...

I was at a Discord call with James, Lachlan and me.. we were playing something together.. then someone joined the VC, some random user, but some weird sound came out of his mic, it was Neil.. wrote down something like “Ribbit you're an asshol, I am back I was never gone”. Why does he have resentment towards him? Idk.. another cut.

So I was with the family, we were going to join some sort of event where we can wet people with water guns, I think that was the game.. there was a girl I was interested in but I don't think it was a girl I know or anything that's remotely relative.. but well we registered, and she joined first, but since there were some families before us we had to wait to list ourselves, so I was going after her game, made me a little sad and disappointed that I had to wait till another 100 people join and it was getting really hot..

Then cut, school.. apparently start of the year, first class with a science teacher, she made us write down things from a book and I was sweating so much that I took off my shirt, I started using my phone to see the book and write down and suddenly my friend called me to play, instantly the teacher says “ok” but she was hinting taking the phone out of me, I said “chill, it's okay.. I just rejected the call”, yeah phones at school were really strict, you weren't allowed to use them, I had a teacher with me on my side and he started talking about how I am shirtless and the other teacher saying something like “yeah, guess he did that”.

Then another cut, I was at the bus going home, it was raining but I didn't see anything else, another cut.. I wake up in the morning, all black because of my curtains blocking off light, I take out my phone and it's morning.. like 6AM, then it starts to rain harder.. I hear the wind hitting harder and flying stuff around, so I decided to check out the window.....

THERE WERE TWO WOMEN AT MY WINDOW. I opened the curtains, hit the window and then opened it, they ran away a bit but stopped.. I was trying to scream at them but my voice came out aphonic, like I almost had no voice, so they approached again and I couldn't lock the window again.. all of this in the house in Argentina.. but the curtains and the window were from the Chilean house, and I was by the end of the house so outside was the wiiide backyard.

The rain started going worse and worse and the ground started to shake so I got an emergency sound in my phone as the girls started to take out their phones to pretend they were doing an interview “hey so.. what do you think about the iPhone 16?”, I couldn't talk still so I stayed quiet “I noticed that you have one (I don't) and wanted to know what you like about it”.

They seemed to want to put their hands on the window and steal the phone out of me as I was scrolling through my contacts as a part of the ceiling flew off, rain pouring in and the earthquake was still going, didn't care about all of that and kept looking for my mom's contact.

I couldn't find it and ended up calling my brother by accident while looking for it... I got a little sad realizing I didn't have her contacts, suddenly realizing she's not even in the house, and my brother didn't respond to the call, so.. apparently it was just me and my brother... I was all calm but my heart racing.. loud storm with strong wind and an earthquake at the same time while having the annoying Chilean alarm sound...

It was raining outside of the dream at that time.

Dreams

The cracked phone

I was with my mom somewhere at home, I accidentally dropped my phone and I thought it didn't break, but I notice some pattern of cracks and how it got deeper, I actually thought it was my phone, until I woke up.. but my phone was not the Note 8 lol.

My mom said “see that's for wanting the other phone too much you become reckless of your current one”.

Dreams

It's literally the same

Quite the long dream..

I was at school, using my phone, sitting with some random students and in front of me the classmate I used to sit with, I asked him for a paper because I rarely ever had my own, he got angry that I asked for more and had his chemistry papers, I told him it was all to use during the class and gave it back to him.

I kept using my phone and then the secretary of the school said that our folders were going to get checked, mine... pretty much empty, but then they started leaving and told us to accomodate the desks, we did and there were ones that didn't add up, so we left them anywhere, I was a little nervous because at school I was always at the edge of being caught up with something, literally anything.

But then I appeared at home, I went outside and it was quite large, it was definitely not the same as where I live or anywhere I know, I went up to a building I had stairs for.. and it was all rocky, nothing in it.. just empty.

But then some sort of time skip, and I was walking around the frontyard, didn't feel that happy about what I had so I went up there again, it was next to my house by the left.. now the rooftop had grass and plants even two houses, one at the back and one at the front.

I noticed some similarity, it looked exactly like my house in Argentina, except for the front and the inside.. apparently the secretary was living in there, I walked towards the front and even the front was similar and I whispered a scream “it's literally the same”.

The daughter looked at me and said there was a creep spying on us, so I walked out sad and when I was at the stairs I heard the secretary say “is that true?” and I sighed looking up at her, I said it looks exactly like my old house and I don't remember what follows.

Dreams

The evil milk

Everyone was doing something and I was trying to get there, we were at some building, looked like a pool but huge and construction things, there was apparently some famous girl and I tried to be funny but she didn't care, but she was making my family laugh.

I noticed that I was hit by something, and there was a milk in the vending machine with an evil smile, but I tried picking a milk from there and nothing, I looked at inside the thing and nothing.. that was the end of that dream.

Dreams
Second dream

The fence and the dumbbells

I was at the beach with the family, I was rolling around in the sand and pretended that I was dead by moving on the water without moving anything, and then I got up and they went to do something.. probably eat, so I was all alone at the beach.

I noticed there was a war between this city and the one in front, bombs and all, so I had to get out of there, I walked around and I was inside that city, just in a forest park.. saw some tanks rolling in the streets and two guys shooting something at the distance, they didn't seem any prepared or dressed as army, but I had to escape.

So I climbed a HUGE metal mesh fence while carrying... 5kg disk dumbells? Well I did.. and it was painful because there was no skip, I felt everything too, then I had to swap to go down the other way and there were the spikes at the top, was hard to cross with the disks, but I was more scared of falling down, I have vertigo o_o...

After going down and all it all started pulsing red like a warning, so I got out of there I didn't want to see if it was a bomb -_-

Now with the family I think they were cooking something but the dream ended there.

Dreams

The penguin suit

MMMMM in my dream I was wearing some pink purple penguin suit and I looked kinda fancy, but when I looked at the mirror I looked like a girl, because I had the hair and didn't have beard or anything, I looked pretty.. I had short busy and messy hair with sidelocks and blunt bangs.

After a moment I looked back at the mirror and I was back being manly, I had my 5 day beard and a haircut that made me look extremely handsome.

Dreams

Tensing to fly

Crazy dream.. where I could fly, I forgot most of it but I remember how it was to fly, I could tense myself and the more I did, the faster I would go, but I always gone too fast and couldn't stop when I needed to, the speed felt like running too fast when you run almost effortlessly.

Dreams

The girl at the party

I had such a weird dream today.

I was at my grandma's house and it was all a big party, but still didn't start... I sat on the couch and there was this girl, she was using her phone.. she seemed young, way younger than me.. and I talked about what she was playing and she flirted while explaining some other things about it, that she would show me something others did not see...

She was flirting on me, hinting to do intimate stuff and see things no one has seen of her, she pulled out her shirt slightly just enough to see a part of her slip.. and all of that flirting was with that soft and low voice with the bold and confident tone.

I wish I could stay in that dream, she had the mommy aura while being way younger than me.

She was basically the embodiment of my personality... But that personality is like a persona of mine, it isn't someone I am all the time.

Dreams

She walked me home

Huh, dream today.

I was at school and there were classmates, I was contradictory, me as usual.. treat people bad just because, this girl walked with me home and asked why I do that, I said because it's fun.. I don't mean anything bad, I tried to small talk and we went to her house, the dream ended there but I think I had feelings for her and was thinking to ask her out.

I didn't have feelings for her in real life and my personality in the dream was not me.

Dreams

The squeaking sofa

I was sleeping, reclining on the sofa, the top would hit the wall, and each time I reclined I'd hear the squeak of the wood inside, my hand on my stomach and how sleepy I was, I only know I was in Argentina and my mom was talking with my brother's gf, there was the dog.. blonde and bright.. I didn't understand shit but I was still reclining, I was wondering if the sofa was gonna break at any moment.

That was a dream and I woke up so confused into actual reality.

Dreams

The bus and the backpack

Such a weird dream, I don't even remember where it started.

It was night and I was at a bus with my mom, brother and his girlfriend, I know we're going to vacation or smth, I was laying on the floor to sleep the trip, then I feel caressing, I thought it was my mom until she slapped the hand of a man who apparently was nice, but I looked back and my brother and his gf were gone, my mom said he wanted to stay at her house.. I thought they did it to have sex...

I even remember the bus turning sometimes before getting to the highway, when we reached the stop, we had to take another bus.. I had a huge backpack to carry, and I don't remember the rest.

Ah I remember what it was about, we were moving out, but my brother stayed to marry the girl, so it was me and my mom moving to another country, I was kind of annoyed at the fact my brother was going to stay.

Dreams
The dream before that

My aunt under the blanket

The dream before that was a little weird, I was at home, using my phone, but my mom took my phone out and said I shouldn't use it when there's people around, I get mad and she grounds me, after some time I go to bed annoyed and there's a mommy covered in blanket, the shape and all.. I lay down angry and it's my aunt, she asks if I'm okay and hugs me, I pout and go behind her to hug her legs and press my head on her stomach.

She plays a game and I suggest changes to her weapon, I didn't understand how it works because the weapon was the console with buttons.. it was so confusing and there were numbers in some parts, my aunt says to be careful because my mom could come around at any second, but the dream ends there.

Dreams

The snail in the nest

Weird dream heh.. I was at my house in Argentina, there were the cats at the house next door, my older cat that died, and the new cat that suddenly appeared at home, the older cat was trying to meet the new cat and trying not to scare him, at first the other cat was cautious and fighting, but then they smelled themselves with their noses and walked home.

Then there was some bird nest thing.. inside it wasn't a bird, it was a giant snail.. apparently a baby, mom said they left him and we had to feed it.. she turned the snail around till the fleshy part was facing up and started dropping smaller nails, I could see a hole at the middle that resembled a mouth, so weird..

Dreams

The man on my bed

Another interesting dream..

I was leaving with my brother, had a weird feeling so I locked the door to my bedroom.. again, Argentina's house... I left my phone on the bed and that's why I locked the door, so when we left the house I remembered that I forgot my phone, some time had happened but we still went back.

I felt weird of entering now so I told my brother to be quiet, we entered and when I went to my room I saw a man at my bed where my phone is, I told him to get out, he didn't listen so I went to the living room and picked a wrench.. that thing would've been heavy enough to leave him disabled.

I entered again and now I said “GET OUT RIGHT NOW” he went okay okay I'm leaving, but he was still holding my phone “give—me—the—phone”.. he started to excuse “no but I have to live off of something, please?” “GIVE ME MY PHONE..” then he gave it to me and tried to guilt trap “it's hard to live this way, I am doing what I can”...

And I snapped “is this what you CAN do? You put yourself into this, you had so many options and still chose this, it is not my fault that you didn't put the effort even once, life gave you enough chances to improve and get a job or even different ways to get money but no..!”

With that I left the house with my brother, suddenly the frontyard became like a graveyard where if you didn't leave in time you'd be stuck forever, so we walked out as the time was running out, but my brother didn't get out in time, he used some game mechanic where he teleported into a vehicle that was touching the door..

It's funny that most of my dreams always have at least one game mechanic.

Dreams

The upside down buildings

I was at some school and there were students, I had this girl as a friend and I noticed that I could feel the things in the dream, my first idea was to kiss this friend and it felt really nice, her lips were soft and thick.

When we left the school there were some floating objects and the sky looked desaturated and slightly red, the floating objects looked like upside down buildings and they had some tentacles or dark rots at the top, I held the hand of this girl and walked with her while everyone was running for their lives.

Everyone was running because there were humans who were controlled by these aliens in the floating upside down buildings, my first thought was to stay calm and kept the girl behind me, made sure she wouldn't get hurt, but I don't remember anything else if we survived or not, but the aliens were slow and dumb, only when attacking they moved quickly.